Life's Too Short
by wingedraksha
Summary: After the Miranda affair, Serenity's flight is as fragile as it is defiant... But even as relationships shift and people change, the crew find themselves drawn into an impossible battle they never even saw coming. MI, SK, JR
1. Chapter 1

He hadn't meant for it to happen. Well, okay, he had. But not like this! In fact, Mal wasn't quite sure what had happened at all. He had an inkling that it was River's fault. She was sneaky like that, and had had an inordinate amount of interest in his and Inara's love lives. Or lack thereof, when concerning each other. Still, he didn't know how she could have managed to get him lying on the floor at the foot of the stairs leading to the bridge, with the lovely Companion herself sprawled across his lap.

Not that he was complaining, o' course.

"Mal?" Inara tried to sit up, but fell back with a moan. Her head slammed against his knee, and she winced. Mal caught her shoulders and carefully lifted her into a sitting position.

"Sorry, 'Nara," he managed, knowing full well she wouldn't be happy about his thoughts. Although her head had felt mighty good in his lap... But she was putting a hand to her temple, leaning against him without really noticing it.

"My head!"

"You want I should fetch the doc?"

"No," she murmured. Then, Inara realized that she was sitting on the floor with Mal, leaning against him, his arm around her shoulders. Her heart sped up and she scrambled to her feet, ignoring the pain it brought to her skull.

"Easy, bao bei, that's my foot you're trampin' on-" He broke off with a hiss as she jumped backwards and off said foot.

"What did you call me," Inara asked, trying to regain her composure. Why was it that this man could get under her skin with such ease? And how had she tripped and fallen on him? River, Inara thought.

"Huh?"

"You- Nevermind." Idiot man. She swayed for a moment, then swallowed. "I'm sorry for falling into you," she said calmly. Mal got to his feet.

"Yeah, me too. Bit odd, though- I thought they taught you grace in Whore Academy." His tone was joking, but her back straightened and her eyes were icy when he met them.

"Yes, well, I thought your years of petty thieving would have honed your reflexes a little more." She regretted the words the moment they were out, but wouldn't take them back. It always came to this.

"Learn somethin' new every day," Mal said, and strode away. Inara rolled her eyes, wishing with all her heart that she could love someone else. Anyone else. Jayne, for crying out loud!

"C'mon, Mal, you sayin' we can't even have one night? I wanna get sexed up!" Oooh. Maybe not Jayne. But anyone else! She shook her head, hearing the echoes of Mal's voice yelling at the mercenary down the hall.

Then, Inara stepped up to the bridge. River was seated in the pilot's chair, one hand lightly caressing the plastic dinosaurs that no one had the heart to remove. Without turning around, she said,

"Tried to knock sense into you. Did it work?"

"River, sweetie, you can't... the Captain and I..." Inara was grasping for words that wouldn't come. River spun the chair around, and she was smiling. It nearly melted Inara's heart to see that smile, so free. Since Miranda there had been precious few smiles like that on board. It had only been two months since both Wash and Book had died, and everyone was still feeling it. River was getting better, though. The weight of the Alliance's secret was off her young shoulders, and it showed.

"Both wanting. Why not act? Sooner or later, going to happen."

"I'm a Companion. He's... well, he's Mal. It would never work." She wasn't sure why she was speaking so freely to River, but it was easier than speaking to anyone else. River never seemed to judge her.

"Don't know unless you try it," River said somewhat cryptically, and turned back to the panel of switches and lights. "Wash wanted it to happen."

"What?"

"He thought you'd help Captain Daddy. Help him heal. I tend to agree."

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"River!" She turned from her post in the pilot's chair. Mal sat down in the copilot's place and looked at her. She raised a brow. Her hair was tied back with a red ribbon, probably Kaylee or Inara's, like he'd seldom seen it before. She almost never wore it down these days. Once, he even caught Jayne braiding it, which was something he never thought he'd see and never really wanted to see. Things were changing on Serenity.

And some weren't.

"You can't just mess with people's lives, Albatross."

"Meaning what?"

"Don't get that innocent look with me. You made me fall with Inara."

"Didn't make you fall. Already fallen. I made her trip."

"I ain't got time to puzzle out what you're talkin' about. Just stop it with the matchmakin'!"

"Two by two," she sang. "Every one a match. Simon and Kaylee, making music in the kitchen-"

"Making music in the- Oh. Oh! Wo de ma, girl, I do not need to hear that!" His thoughts went from 'he better not hurt my Kaylee' to 'oh god, they were doing it by our food!'

"Captain Daddy, you and Inara are dancing. Been dancing for a long while. It's near time to stop the dance."

"Go se, River, I don't got any clue as to what you're meaning here, but-"

"Go find her. Make things right. Life's too short for ifs and maybes," she said, and the words echoed in Mal's head. What he'd said to Inara before she-

"She ain't thinkin' on leaving again, is she?"

"Too short," River repeated, turning back to the consol. Damn it, that girl was proving to be quite a nuisance.

Mal stood.

"Got captainy things to do."

"Yep."

"I'm not leavin' cause you said to."

"Nope."

"Gotta... gotta go... do some real important... stuff."

"Yep."

"You just... uh, stay here and mind the ship." She glanced at him over her shoulder, then rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he was a small child that needed oh-so-much looking after. Moonbrained girl, he thought with a smile, and headed off to find Inara.

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"Got a job for us, sir?" Mal swung around to face Zoe, who'd just climbed out of her bunk. He studied her face for a second.

"Yep. We'll be landin' on Whitefall in nine hours."

"Whitefall, sir? Seems I recall a few bullets chasing us last we left Whitefall." Her eyes were steady and tired.

"We need the work. 'Sides, she only shot me once."

"She tried for twice. If that horse hadn't been there-"

"But the horse was there, Zoe. I can handle Patience." He clapped her on the shoulder. One dark eyebrow rose. Her eyes. The light that used to shine there was down to a mere flicker. Mal wanted to bring it back, just for a moment. Just for a moment.

"I was thinkin', maybe you and me could find a bar on a friendly planet near Whitefall. Ain't lookin' for trouble, I just..."

"A bar, sir?"

"You remember the time Wash dared me to sing the buttercup song?" It was risky, saying the name. He wasn't sure it was wise to mention Wash, but no one else on the gorram boat would. And it wasn't like Mal was ever known for his wisdom, right?

"I surely do," Zoe replied softly.

"Well, as I recall, we sort of had to leave that bar before I could get drunk enough to carry through."

"We got thrown out of that bar, sir."

"True, true," Mal said, a rambling note in his voice. Then, he straightened and put a hand on her arm. "I intend to follow through with that bet, Zoe, an' I want you to be there. As witness. Wash never woulda believed it otherwise." A muscle twitched in her jaw, and Mal held his breath.

Then, a faint smile.

"All right." It wasn't much, but it was more than he'd hoped for.

O' course, now he was stuck with singing the stupid song.

Mal let go of his old friend's arm and moved to continue his search for Inara. What he was going to say to her he wasn't sure, but he wanted to say something. As he did so, Zoe cleared her throat.

"Thank you, Mal," she said clearly. Mal nodded, and moved off.

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Inara was in her shuttle. She was scanning the Cortex, but not really paying attention to what she was seeing. Stay or leave? Stay or leave? She wanted... she didn't know what she wanted. Inara missed her girls at the Training House. She missed their chatter, the motherly concern she felt when she looked at them, the rumors about her and her pirate.

Her pirate. But he wasn't hers, not really. The girls didn't know that, though. Maybe that was why she had been able to survive there. She'd been able to cloak herself in their rumors, in the belief that she was some sort of romantic figure. Pretend that Mal was... well, hers.

But he wasn't. He never would be. He would never be able to get past her job, and she would never be able to get past his... his what? Everything about him. The love, the loyalty, the fierce bond that made him willing to die for her, for anyone on his crew. She would be tied to him, more than she already was. And then, she would lose her Companion status for sure. Maybe that's what frightened Inara the most. Being a Companion was more than just her job, it was her way of fulfillment. How she helped people. Without it, she didn't know what would be left of her. The secret Inara, the one she kept so deeply hidden that even she didn't know, would have nothing more to hide behind.

There came a rap at the shuttle door.

"Qin jing," Inara called, switching off the Cortex, but Mal was already standing in the doorway to her room. Well, at least he'd managed to knock. Even if it was after he was already inside.

"Hey," he said, looking slightly sheepish.

"Hey," she replied, and he noticed that even slang sounded pretty when she said it.

"I, um, wanted to... fe hua."

"What?"

"I mean, I wanted to say... I was sorry." Mal was gonna regret this. He just knew it. River's little speech about time and time running out was messin' with his brain, makin' him crazy. First the song, now apologizin' to Inara?

"You- you what?" She looked shocked. Mal folded his arms, feeling a little defensive. Surely it wasn't that surprising for him to say he was sorry?

"Yeah. For what I said back at the bridge."

"Oh. I- I'm sorry, too," she managed, her brow furrowing.

"We're landin' on Whitefall in about nine hours," Mal said. Inara stood before she could stop herself.

"You what! Mal, Patience shot-"

"This happened last time, too. Everybody making a fuss," he muttered, more to himself than to her.

"That's because she shot you!"

"Didn't shoot me last time."

"She tried!"

"But she missed," Mal stated, rather illogically.

"What does that have to do with anything? Oh, why do I bother?" Inara turned in a huff and began setting out incense. She heard a clink and turned again, barely managing to remain graceful. Mal had a small stone carving of a fat Buddha, and was balancing it on top of the larger one that sat on her bedside table.

Inara strode over to him and took the smaller Buddha out of his hand, ignoring the tingle that came with touching him. She was almost getting used to it.

"Must you touch everything I own?"

"Come now, I ain't touched everything," Mal said defensively. They both froze for a millisecond, realizing what he'd just said. "Anyway-"

"Well, I'll-" They both spoke at once, trying to cover the waiting silence. Both broke off, and there was that silence again. It, like the tingle, was getting familiar. As if the air itself was waiting, waiting for them to step closer, waiting for his arms to go around her and-

"Have you seen Kaylee? I wanted to ask her something," Inara said swiftly, backing up. Mal ran a hand through his hair.

"Um. She's in the engine room, workin' with Simon." Again, the vague double entendre hit them both at the same time. Inara blushed, and Mal bit his lip. "Not- that- I mean to say, she's- they're- she's in the engine room," he finished up awkwardly.

"Thank you," Inara said quietly, and walked quickly out of her shuttle. Mal stood in her room, a little bewildered. That had been... strange. Not bad strange, though, he thought with a grin. Not bad at all.

Jayne was sitting on the floor next to the weight-lifting bench, pieces of Vera spread around on the bench. He spat on her barrel and rubbed with the corner of his faded T-shirt. He hadn't used the weights since Miranda. Didn't seem right without the Shepard spottin' him. Shepard had been gone for a while before Miranda, gone to Haven, but the weights had always reminded Jayne of the preacher-man. Now, though, there was never any chance of Book comin' back an' philosophisin' with him again.

"Two by two," Jayne heard from behind him. He leaped up and spun around.

"Gorrammit, you moonbrained girl, don't you sneak up like that!" River stood there, in a blue dress that clung to curves he'd only just begun to notice. It had started when the doors opened on Miranda, an' she'd stood there all bloody and strong, Reavers lyin' dead all 'round her... ta ma de, but that had hit him hard. Sexy and dangerous all at once, and Jayne still had dreams about that moment. 'Course, she only had to say something for him to remember that she was just a moonbrained kid.

"Two by two," she said again. She was lookin' at him with those big eyes, a little smile on her face. Last time she'd said that, she'd been a terrified child, her mind humped over by those hun dans in the Alliance. Now, she was a woman, lookin' at him in a way that was all kinds of disturbing.

"Get, you hear? River, I said get!"

"Can't stop the future, Jayne." He spat on Vera's barrel again.

"I look up after I count to five an' you're still there, gonna find out just how painful the future is." There was no real menace in his voice, though, and he knew it. Damn it, why couldn't he be a bad man around her anymore? Oh, he knew the moves. He played them, put on the face, but his heart wasn't in it. It wasn't just the sexy new River he'd seen on Miranda. It was Wash, and Book, and everything. Just didn't feel right bein' mean. Not now.

He turned away from her, and started counting. At four, hands reached around and covered his eyes.

"Guess who. Get it right, you get a surprise." She giggled. Jayne sighed and slammed Vera's barrel down on the weight bench.

"River, if'n you-"

"Right," she whispered, and turned him around to face her. "Want your surprise?"

"No." The girl laughed, and her eyes were dancing. Made him feel good to see her happy, though he'd never admit it. She held out her hand, and she was holding something. He couldn't quite see what, but it was something small.

"Here." He shook his head and held out his own palm, and River dropped something in it. Jayne looked down. It was a tiny wooden carving of a woman's head and shoulders, painted carefully. Jayne peered at it, and then his jaw dropped.

"How the hell did you do that, girl?" It was his mother, in every detail.

"Missing her. Wish you could see her, let her know you're all right. Let her know it was you what spread the word, you and your ship. Make her proud. She is proud, Jayne Cobb."

"That's a bunch of go se," Jayne spat, and, gathering up various parts of his favorite gun, he stormed out of the room.

But he took the carving with him, held tight in his hand.

River smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

"Kaylee? Honey, are you in here?" Inara stood in the doorway to the engine room, looking in. She saw nothing at first, and then caught sight of an overalls-covered behind sticking out from underneath the main engine. Kaylee, the cheerful mechanic, twisted her head around and peered out at her.

"Oh, hey, 'Nara! Can you hand me that wrench there?" Inara gingerly picked up the wrench and gave it to Kaylee, stepping carefully over a few small piles of wiring and parts.

"Where's Simon? Mal said he was here with you."

"Oh," Kaylee grunted, head back beneath the engine, "He's somewhere up near the infirmary, I guess." Her elbow gave a violent spasm back towards where Inara stood, and then she crawled out from beneath Serenity's heart with a grin. She was holding a twisted piece of metal in her hand and looking triumphant. "Got it!"

"Pulling Serenity's teeth?"

"She was getting some trouble with this thing, an' we don't really need it."

"Well," Inara said as Kaylee tossed the part into one of the piles, "I was wondering."

"Yeah?" Kaylee turned to fully face the Companion, and put her hands on her hips with a smile.

"The Captain told me we were landing on Whitefall in a few hours."

"Whitefall?"

"Yes, he says everyone's making a fuss about that."

"Well, Cap'n can handle himself." Inara chuckled.

"Yes, I suppose he can. Anyway, I wanted to know if you'd like to go with me in my shuttle to Orion."

"Orion? But that's just a little moon."

"One of my past clients lived in a delightful city on Orion, and I'd been wanting to shop there since we were so close. Would you like to come?"

"Oh, yes!" Her face lit up. "Really?"

"Of course. I'll go talk to Mal." Kaylee's face fell.

"He won't never let us go." Inara smiled at the younger woman, and Kaylee thought she saw something downright wicked in that smile.

"Oh, yes. He will." Kaylee stared at Inara, then grinned.

"You gonna use your wiles on him?"

"I'm going to ask him politely."

"Oooh. Cap'n don't stand a chance!"

"Let's hope not," Inara said, laughing. She felt giddy all of a sudden, and bold. Maybe River was right. Maybe she could use this shopping spree idea to find out exactly how Mal felt, and exactly how much power over him she had. Stay or leave? The question still lingered, but Inara pushed it to the back of her mind. For now, she was staying, and what better time to find out whether she and Mal had a chance?

Inara left Kaylee at the infirmary, where the mechanic and her doctor were sure to find something to do, and went looking for Mal. She found him sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of something hot. He was staring into space with a little smile on his face, and for a moment, she just watched him. She loved these little moments when he didn't know he was being watched, because she didn't have to worry about what to say or what to think, and neither did he.

Then, she stepped in and cleared her throat.

"Mal?"

"'Nara," he said, tilting his head. "Want coffee? Or what tends to pass as coffee on this boat?"

"I'm fine, thank you." She sat down across from him and rested her chin on her hand. "Kaylee and I were wondering if we could take my shuttle and go to Orion while you were on Whitefall. We have some shopping to get done."

"I want everyone on the ship during the job. May get tricky. May have to leave in a hurry." Inara rolled her eyes.

"Why am I not surprised? Mal, we'll be fine. You can meet us on Orion if you have to leave early." He took a sip of coffee and shook his head.

"Ain't gonna happen, 'Nara."

"Oh no?"

"Oh no."

"I disagree. It is going to happen, Mal, because I'm asking very nicely and there is no reason not to let us go." He put his cup down and stared at her.

"You arguing with me in regards to a direct order?" Aware that this was a starting point towards either agreement or certain doom, Inara took a deep breath.

"Yes." After all, she'd never had a problem with arguing with him before.

"I am the captain of this here boat, and I say no." Inara remembered the boldness she'd felt in the engine room. She was a trained, certified Companion. One of the best there was. She could handle Mal Reynolds.

Inara ran the backs of her fingernails over her hand in a slow, sensuous gesture that was meant to excite feeling where there was none. She licked her lips and noted with satisfaction that Mal was looking a little uncomfortable. He blinked at her. Inara stood, and Mal stood quickly too.

He didn't want her to tower over him. Weren't right. He was the captain here, after all! But what was she doin' with her eyes? How'd she get them all big and glossy and… wiles. She's usin' feminine wiles on me! Mal backed up, but Inara was around the table and right there in a flash. She put a hand on his arm. Oh tsao gao de ta ma de, Mal thought. I was supposed to be in control here!

"Please, Mal? Just a little shopping trip." Her breath was on his cheek.

"Um." Inara smiled invitingly.

It was going just as she'd hoped. He was flustered, wanting her, and trying not to show it more than he already was. Oh, this was perfect! Inara felt triumphant. He wanted her. That was obvious. But he also cared about her, or he would have never been so awkward.

"Kaylee'll be so happy," she murmured.

"Uh, yeah, 'magine so." She put her other hand on his shoulder. Suddenly, Mal jerked backwards and strode across the room, putting the kitchen table between them. Inara stood, startled and confused, staring at him.

"Mal, what-"

"I know what you're doin'. You're usin' wiles to get me to say yes, and it ain't gonna work."

"I-"

"Don't think I don't know. Anythin' happens between us, it's gonna be real." Inara straightened, shocked.

"What?" Mal was shocked his own self. Had he really said that? He hadn't meant to say that.

"Never mind." She walked over to him, her eyes narrowed.

"No, Mal. What did you say?"

"I said never mind, 'Nara!"

"You're a coward, Mal Reynolds!" It was his turn to stand, blank-faced.

"Excuse me?" She was mad. That was plain to see. But what was gettin' him so confounded was that she was showing it, without a care in the world.

"You- I don't even have the words! You're a… a gorram lily-livered coward!" Mal did a double-take at that. A what? Had Inara just cursed him out? In as weird a way as he'd ever heard?

"Okay, I got the coward part, and the gorram, but what's a-"

"Don't you dare turn this around! You have crossed my limit, Captain Reynolds!" Oh. Captain Reynolds, was it? She was gonna get all icy and probably never talk to him again, and Mal wouldn't- couldn't- have that. Before he knew exactly what he was about, he snatched her up by the waist and lifted her off the floor so she couldn't storm off the way he knew she'd been about to. Inara gaped at him, but there was no fear in her eyes. Panic, maybe, but not fear.

He kissed her. He was already damned for the one act, might as well make the most of it. For a second, she didn't move. Then, her hands were fisted in his hair and she was kissing him back. Mal let her slide down his body until her feet once again rested on the floor, wrapping his arms around her waist. He felt fire and life fill him until he could hardly stand it. He'd not felt so good since before the war.

Inara couldn't remember a thing from her Companion training. She didn't really need it, she knew, but she couldn't remember it all the same. She thought kissing Mal would be remarkable, and by kissing, she meant with both of them fully conscious, but that thought had not prepared her at all for the reality.

Suddenly, a loud whoop sent the two of them staggering backwards in opposite directions, looking dazed. Jayne, River, Kaylee and Simon stood clustered in the doorway, each wearing ridiculous grins.

"Oh, 'Nara, you'n Cap'n got together at last!"

"All right, Mal," Jayne said with a lewd wink. Mal felt his face redden, and watched Inara's do the same. Go se, how he sometimes hated his crew. He was mouthing things, no sound coming out, waiting for his voice to come back so he could scathe them. Then, the four people in the doorway parted like the seas and in walked Zoe.

She looked from the Companion to her best friend and back again, her face expressionless. Then, Zoe folded her arms.

"Well, it's about gorram time," she said flatly, and then gifted them with a small smile. "Jayne, you owe me ten credits."

"What!" Mal cried, finally getting his voice working. "You had a BET!"

"Been goin' for some time now, sir," Zoe said. She looked more pleased than she had looked in a long time.

Yep, sometimes Mal really hated his crew.

"Uh, 'Nara, you can take the shuttle. We'll meet you on Orion," Mal said. He was the strong one, the captain of the ship, but somehow, she had all the power.

Damn it.

"Thank you, Mal," Inara said, and she was looking only at him. What were they going to do now? What the hell were they going to do now?

"I… uh… I'll just go wave Patience."

"You do that, sir," Zoe said wryly.

They did, after all, have a job to do.

8888888

"It's come to our attention that you have had dealings with a Captain Malcolm Reynolds, of the Firefly-class transport vessel-"

"Serenity. Reckon I know the name," said the gray-haired woman with the lined face and the flinty eyes. She sat at a wooden table, watching the screen expressionlessly as the Alliance commander narrowed his eyes.

"We're also aware that you and Captain Reynolds did not part on… friendly terms." Patience didn't move a muscle. Her tired, pinched face didn't give an inch, and her eyes were far from old and far from tired. They were calculating and hard and totally unafraid. The Alliance commander was taken aback by this calm, controlled woman out here on a Rim world, staring him down like a crocodile.

"And?"

"We'd like to offer you a job." Patience smiled at the commander, and it was a sweet smile. It even reached her eyes. Somehow, the commander was not taken in by the smile. It seemed almost as dangerous as the stone face he'd seen before.

"I'm quite fond of money, Commander Nolson." Of course you are, he thought.

"We've become aware of the fact that you are arranging a job with Captain Reynolds in the near future. What we want is simple: when and where the rendez-vous is to take place, and your full support."

"You want me to set up an ambush for your people, is that it?"

"It is."

"Well, son, how much in payment are we talking?"

"How much would you like?" Patience leaned forwards on the table, clasping her hands in front of her like a woman at prayer. Perhaps she was, though her god would never appear in any church.

"Now, I ordinarily don't like strangers on my world. But I think we can do business."

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"Why, hello, Malcolm. How are you? How's that scrape I gave you last time?" Mal smiled tightly at Patience.

"Doing just fine, Patience. And yourself?"

"Oh, I'm getting by. Now, about our little meeting." Mal sighed as discreetly as possible.

"Hmm?"

"Make it thirty miles to the west of where we originally discussed. Two hours early."

"Two hours? Patience, we're four hours from atmo."

"I'm sure you'll come up with something. If you want to deal, that's the way it's going to happen." She gave him her trademark smile, the one that meant she was in shark-mode. Mal readied himself.

"Ain't gonna shoot me again, are you, Patience?"

"Now, now, if we all stay pleasant, this will be so much easier."

"Think that's what I said last time."

"These are new times, Malcolm. New times." He thought there was something ominous about that, but couldn't quite pin it. Best take extra care with this, then. Extra extra care.

"Suppose they are. See you in three."

"In three," she said, and clicked off. Mal sighed again and switched off his own screen, running his other hand through his hair. Things were getting real complicated, real fast. His and Inara's little scene in the kitchen was still running through his mind. She and Kaylee had left for Orion about ten minutes ago, saying they would wave Serenity when they were finished. Mal hadn't said goodbye, only waved from the cargo bay as they disappeared into Inara's shuttle. He wasn't sure how to deal with this new development. He'd wanted to kiss her, and apparently she'd wanted to kiss him. But… well, he'd just thought… Damn it, he'd expected it to be easy after they finally kissed! Everyone had been waiting for it for so long that Mal had just thought their issues would clear up with their intimacy problems. Apparently, he'd thought wrong. He was just as uneasy about being… intimate… with Inara as before, though he wanted it almost more, and all their other issues were still alive and kickin'. For the third time, Mal sighed. Now there was this thing with Patience.

Why had she changed the time and place? Ambush? With her, almost certainly. But something about it didn't sit right with Mal. Rather, something sat not-right-ER. But they had to take the job. Serenity needed the money, and Patience had offered a mighty fine take. Hopefully, she'd actually pay them without more bullets having to fly. Somehow, Mal doubted it.

88888888888

"Ooh! Look at the pretties! Oh, 'Nara, feel that!" Kaylee was in heaven. She ran her hands over a bolt of sky blue silk, gasping at its softness. Inara smiled, watching her, her own fingers running over a darker bolt of silk with a more practiced, and more critical, touch. They'd landed on Orion twenty minutes ago, after an hour's flight in the shuttle. Kaylee had chattered nonstop about Simon and River and everything but what had happened between Inara and Mal. Inara was glad of that. She knew Kaylee desperately wanted to talk about it, but something in Inara's face must have warned her off.

Inara wasn't quite ready to discuss what she'd felt in that kitchen. She was a little scared of what she might end up telling Kaylee, and what she might end up admitting to herself. She was in love with Mal, that was an awful, wonderful truth. And she was fairly certain that he loved her, too. But Inara was scared, no, terrified! What would happen to them? Mal's life and her life were so very different. Or are they, her mind whispered. Are they really? You've survived on Serenity for this long. You need it. You need the ship, the people. Him. And he does, too. Are you really so different from each other? She could see herself becoming a mother figure to the crew, like Mal was the father figure. But to do that, she would have to give in to what her heart most desired, and she'd spent her entire life since the age of ten learning how to never do that.

"'Nara? Inara!" Inara snapped out of her thoughts, and smiled at Kaylee.

"Sorry, Kaylee-bird, I was…"

"Thinkin' about the Cap'n?" Kaylee asked, with a hopeful grin. Inara bit her lip. Kaylee was the only one she would ever talk to about this, she knew.

"Yes," she admitted, feeling surprisingly shy. Merciful Buddha, I'm acting like a teenager with a crush!

"So? Are you two… together, really?" Kaylee had abandoned the bolt of silk for a stuffed parrot that sat on a wooden stand by the vendor's table. She stroked it gently, not taking her eyes off Inara.

"I don't know," Inara said truthfully. "I don't think either of us expected… what happened. It just sort of…."

"That's so romantic! You'n the Cap'n are so perfect together! I mean, not that your other clients aren't fine and all," she added hurriedly, her eyes large and apologetic. Inara laughed and shook her head. Kaylee went on. "But Cap'n, he's so shuai and all, and he's real nice, even if he hides it all the time. He loves you, too. Everybody knows it."

"Do they? What about me?"

"I always thought you had a thing for the Cap'n, but I dunno about everyone else. You're so perfect, 'Nara, always so… so together," she ended earnestly. Inara was surprised to find herself a little sad that that was how the crew saw her.

"I'm not really that together," she confided with a smile. "Honey, a lot of the time, when people feel things very strongly, they keep them locked away. I think it's wonderful that you don't do that."

"So that means you feel very strongly about the Cap'n?" Kaylee looked so adorably hopeful that Inara had to draw her in for a hug.

"Promise not to tell?"

"Promise."

"I feel pretty strongly for the Cap'n," Inara revealed in a whisper. She wasn't ready to say 'love', but thought that 'pretty strongly' sounded all right. Kaylee gave a squeal and hugged Inara again.

"Enough talk about me," Inara said, arm around her friend. She led Kaylee down the line of stores towards a dress-making shop. "How are things between you and Simon?" Kaylee opened her mouth to respond and forgot to close it as she stared, wide-eyed, at a hot-pink dress in the window. Inara was reminded of the dress Kaylee had worn to what Mal still referred to as 'the shindig', but this dress was… well, it was definitely a jaw-dropper. Folds of cloth fell to the floor in what should have been a demur skirt, but for artfully placed slits that showed flashes of the model's thighs and calves. The bodice was tight and low-cut, the straps thin and lacy. It was, in a word, gorgeous.

"Things're great," Kaylee murmured, sounding dazed. "Oh, if he could see me in this dress!"

"How about we see if it fits you?"

"Oh, no, I could never-"

"But I could," Inara whispered in Kaylee's ear. Kaylee squealed again and raced into the dress-maker's shop. Inara followed at a more sedate pace, but she could not keep the smile from her face.

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"So what you're saying is that it's a trap?" Simon had his arms folded, and was wearing his classic 'I-just-don't-understand-how-you-can-be-this-insane' look.

"Yup," Mal replied, pulling a canister of Protein Delight out of a cabinet.

"And that we're going through with it anyway?"

"Uh-huh."

"What about the part where it's a trap?" Mal was reminded of the conversation just before he went to get Inara from the Training House. See how that'd turned out? Everything would be just fine.

"Hush, doc," Zoe said absently, shoving a pistol into one of her holsters. "We've got a plan." She looked at Mal. "We do have a plan, don't we, sir?"

"A plan. Right. Yes. I'm still workin' through the details." Zoe straightened.

"Sir," she said, crossing her arms, "is this going to be one of the plans where we end up running for our lives with people shooting at us?" Mal stared at her. Where was the faith? Where was the trust?

"I don't come up with plans like that!" Everyone in the room turned and looked at him. "Okay, so maybe one or two have ended a little more complicated than they began, but this one won't." As soon as there IS a this one, he thought glumly.

He strode out of the kitchen, intending to talk to River on the bridge. Maybe she'd have some clue as to what Patience was up to.

"Sir?" Zoe was walking beside him.

"Yeah?"

"Why do you think she moved the spot 'n time?"

"Got no idea, Zoe. You?"

"Can only come up with the same things you have, sir. You plannin' on bringin' River?"

"There's a thought. Hadn't planned on it, but now that you mention it-"

"She wants to go." Both of them stopped and looked around. "Up here." Mal and Zoe tilted their heads to look at the ceiling. River was above them, arms and legs stretched out to hold her flat on the ceiling.

"What are you doing up there, sweetie?" Zoe asked.

"C'mon down from there, lil one." River dropped to the floor and stood, her dark hair coming out of the loose ribbon it was tied with.

"Wants to go. Can help." She shook her head sharply as if clearing it. "I want to go," River said carefully, as if she had to think about the words before saying them. "I want to help with the job. It's not what it seems."

"Well, I know that, darlin'. And aren't you supposed to be flyin' my ship? She crashes, I blame you."

"She won't," River said, smiling shyly. Mal grimaced.

"She better not."

"Won't. But you've got to take me with you. I have to go."

"Why's that?"

"Proof," River said. "It's not what it seems. She's lying to them."

"Who's lying to who?" Zoe furrowed her brow, folding her arms.

"Bought and paid for, that's what they think. But you shine more in the darkness. Don't worry."

"Got to be clearer than that, lil Albatross. Captain Dummy talk, remember? An' Zoe Dummy talk." Zoe glared at him for that, but let it pass. Mal was the only one who dared treat her as if she weren't a piece of fragile china, liable to break at any moment. She valued that, and wouldn't give it up.

River huffed a frustrated sigh.

"I'm trying," she said in irritation. "She's too hard for them. Won't give in to the hammer. When you can't fight yourself, you find someone else."

"Okay," Mal said slowly. "This is Patience we're talking about?" River nodded. "So is it us she's lying to?"

"In part, but not the whole."

"Is it gonna get us killed to meet her," Mal said in exasperation. A man could only take so much psych talk.

"Not if you're careful. She's not planning it."

"Ah, good. Solid information. So she's not plannin' on endin' our honorable and completely legal escapades, is she?" River giggled.

"No, she doesn't want to kill you."

"Good to hear, Albatross, good to hear." River walked past them towards the cargo bay, and Mal and Zoe shrugged, then followed her. It was time to go.


	3. Chapter 3

"Excuse me, but are you- Inara? Inara Serra?" Inara turned from admiring Kaylee in the pink dress to see a middle-aged gentleman in a finely tailored suit.

"Micah Hughes? It's been too long!" She stepped forward to give the man a light, formal embrace and two air kisses to the sides of his face.

"Inara. If possible, you look even more radiant than when last we met." Micah smiled at her, his round, well-featured face creasing as he looked her over. Rather than the act seeming lecherous, it was more like a proud father who hadn't seen his daughter for many years. Micah Hughes had been a client of Inara's four years before, but had been one of the rare clients who wanted just what the job was called: simple companionship. He'd contracted her two months after his wife died, leaving him alone on the small moon with all his wealth. They'd enjoyed each other's company, and Inara had missed him when she'd gone.

"Thank you," she said. Kaylee stepped up beside Inara, giving Micah her normal wide smile.

"And who is this fine young lady? A Companion, like yourself?" Kaylee giggled, pleased to be compared to Inara.

"Oh, no, sir, I'm Kaylee Frye. A friend of Inara here." The older man gave a little dip of his head.

"Well, any friend of Inara's is a friend of mine. Can I treat you two ladies to lunch?"

"Certainly," Inara replied after a quick glance at Kaylee, who looked delighted.

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Mal, Zoe, and Jayne took the second shuttle as a precaution. They were going to land on Whitefall in the shuttle and have River land Serenity nearby but out of sight behind a mesa. She would then join the others in time for the rendez-vous. The shuttle would act as a place to run to if they couldn't reach Serenity in time, and if all else failed, River had spent the last two hours reteaching Simon how to do basic lift-off and flight maneuvers. He'd learned a month ago when it struck the crew that River was possibly not the best choice for pilot, all things considered, but she stayed in the pilot's chair and no one stopped her. Simon, however, did know how to fly Serenity. At least enough to come to the rescue so River could take over leaving atmo.

Mal landed the shuttle and slid open the door, letting Jayne do his thing by jumping out, weapons up and cocked, a grenade barely inches away from his left hand.

"'S clear, Mal." Mal and Zoe stepped out of the shuttle, looking around. Dry, red desert. A few scrubby trees, but mostly dust and dunes. A mesa to the left. No sign of Patience.

Then, the sound of hoof beats.

"Again with the horses," Mal muttered. Patience appeared before them, flanked on either side by four men armed with rifles.

"Just like old times, sir," Zoe said dryly.

"Afternoon, Malcolm."

"Patience," Mal said with a nod. "I hope this large welcome wagon isn't plannin' on riddling me with holes on this fine day." Despite River's assurances, he'd never really taken to staring down gun barrels.

"Oh, no. These are just for precautions." Well, that was reassuring.

"What's this job you want done?"

"Nothing too tricky. Just a few boxes picked up and dropped off. But that can wait." Patience urged her horse forwards until she was just a few feet away from Mal and the others. "Hear tell you've got yourself a passenger the Alliance would really like back." Mal's jaw clenched. His hand went to his gun, and he sensed Zoe and Jayne's movements beside him.

"Do you?"

"Was contacted about it myself earlier today."

"That's why you changed the time." He was wondering why they weren't dead or shooting. Not that that was a bad thing, necessarily.

"Surely is. Now, Malcolm, I don't take to being threatened. And I don't take to being sneered at, nor talked down to. This is my world, and I expect people to respect that."

"I imagine you do," Mal said carefully. Where was this going? River's words came back to him: 'she's lying to them. Bought and paid for, that's what they think.' Could Patience have lied to the Alliance? But why?

"Happens I have a great dislike for the Alliance. Even greater than my dislike for you. So I'm gonna make you a deal."

"Oh?"

"I gave them the wrong time, but the right place. They'll arrive in about thirty minutes. You don't get to leave Whitefall until they land. Me'n my people will stand back, not help either side. But I'm giving you a chance, son, a chance to live."

"Doesn't seem like much of a chance from where I'm standin'," Mal said softly.

"I've got men spread out all over here, Reynolds. No funny business. You live, I'll wave you the job. You die, it's no skin off my back. I'll not make it easy for the Alliance to have their way, though, and it gets powerful dull out here running the world. I'm an old lady. I need entertainment." Jayne raised his arm, but Zoe forced it back down. Jayne curled his lip and said nothing. Mal turned to his first mate.

"You see a choice here I'm missing?"

"Can't say I do, sir."

"Even though stayin' makes the kind of sense that doesn't?"

"Even though." He turned back to Patience.

"You shoot at us, we'll shoot at you."

"Naturally."

"Will you blow up the shuttle if'n we go there?" She paused, considering.

"Not if you just get inside and fly low to the ground. But if you try leaving world, we'll blow you to kingdom come." Oh. Wonderful, Mal thought. Just wonderful. I finally get something started with Inara and someone has to come up with another crazy plan that'll probably get us killed.

"Fine," Mal said as pleasantly as he could. No sense in being rude when the enemy has guns pointed at your head. Where the gorram hell was River?

"Don't worry, Captain Daddy. I'm here." He spun around to see River herself standing there, wearing a pair of Kaylee's cargo pants and a flowing blue top. She was carrying a pistol. Mal wondered briefly where she'd gotten it, then shrugged it off. At least she was on their side. A quick flicker of worry went through him as he remembered that Simon was on the ship, and that no one knew the safe words should River snap. Still, that was doubtful. She'd been so much better since Miranda.

River stepped up between Mal and Zoe, and he put an arm around her slim shoulders. Patience cocked her head.

"This the little one, then?" River peered up at the woman on horseback.

"You never had a funeral," she said in a lilting tone. "When he died, you just sent his body away." Patience drew back, her eyes widening.

"Why do they want her back," she said after a moment. Apparently, like Mal and his crew in the beginning, she was simply choosing to overlook River's strange remark.

"They did things to her brain," Jayne said. Everyone turned to stare at him. He hunched his shoulders defensively. "What?" Mal shook his head, and River smiled up at Patience.

"Made me," she commented. Then, with a sly grin, "They want their weapon back. Don't know she's rusted, not working on command anymore."

"Ain't rusted, girl," said Zoe. Patience swallowed.

"Well, you've got… fifteen minutes, I'd guess. I told them I'd have your ship disabled, so they won't go after Serenity."

"How do you know they'll believe you?" She chuckled.

"I've seen a lot in my lifetime, son. They can't pull one over on old Patience. They think I'm just another greedy Rim-worlder who'll sell out anyone for money." For a second time, everyone looked at Jayne.

"What?"

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Inara laughed lightly at a joke Micah was telling, sipping at her drink. He'd taken them to a quiet restaurant that made up for its poor location with delicious food and a friendly atmosphere. Kaylee and Micah had taken to one another immediately, much to Inara's delight. As he finished his joke, Kaylee was reminded of something that had happened to her in regards to Serenity's engine and some parts she'd needed, and begun a hilarious account of her search.

Lunch was going very well. Inara reflected that she really should visit Orion more often. She wondered how things were going on Whitefall. Knowing Mal, probably not too well. She couldn't stop the worry. Inara remembered a brief conversation she'd once had with Shepard Book.

_"You could pray."_

_"I doubt the Captain would appreciate that."_

_"Don't tell him. I never do."_

She wondered how she'd deal with it if Mal came back hurt again. Would she run to him? Hide in her shuttle? Would seeing him bleeding yet again flick some switch within her, make her able to sacrifice her walls and admit her love for him? Or would it be just another gun wound, just another hole, just another scar? She really didn't know. Every time Mal got hurt, Inara felt it. And every time, she hid it. But after touching him, and letting herself be touched, would she be able to hide it?

"Inara, what are you thinking about?" Micah's steady brown eyes were on hers, warm and open. Kaylee was looking at her too, curious. She thought she knew what the Companion was thinking of, but didn't know whether she'd tell Micah Hughes.

"No one," Inara replied. Micah smiled, a slow, pleased smile.

"I said 'what', dear, not 'who'. Is this really possible?"

"What?"

"Can Inara Serra, the most sought-after Companion in the 'verse, really be in love?" Kaylee bit her lip. Inara's mouth opened, but no sound came out.

"No! Not in love," she said hastily. "You know better than that, Micah!"

"Perhaps I am mistaken," he said with a wink. "But I doubt it."

"I am not in love," she reiterated. If word got out that she felt this way about anyone, it could ruin her career. And besides, Inara couldn't bring herself to tell someone else before she told Mal himself.

"Inara Serra?" Inara felt a chill run down her spine at the cold voice. She turned with a smile, though. As trained.

"Yes?" Her voice trailed off a little at the sight of an armed Alliance soldier standing before her, the stripes on his shoulders ranking him as a private.

"Will you come with me, please?"

"I'm having lunch," she said with a wave to Micah and Kaylee. "Can it wait?"

"I'm afraid not. I'm sorry to interrupt your lunch, but…." He gestured for her to get up. Micah, ever the gentleman, stood first.

"I am Micah Hughes of Hughes Estate, and I am entertaining this young lady for lunch. May I know exactly what you need with her?" His tone was frosty. Inara rose gracefully, glancing from Micah to the Alliance private. Kaylee, looking anxiously from one person to another, stood as well. The pink dress, which Inara had purchased for her as they left the shop, fell in folds around her feet as she braced herself on the table edge and waited for someone to speak.

"Please, Miss Serra, if you'll just come with me. Mr. Hughes and young miss there, you are welcome to come along if you like." He sounded exasperated. Inara smiled graciously and extended her arm to wrap it around Kaylee's in a comforting squeeze. Micah came around the table to take Inara's other arm, and, flanked by two friends, she followed the Alliance private out of the restaurant.

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Zoe and Jayne stood on either side of the shuttle door. Mal leaned against the blunt shuttle nose, and River was crouched just inside and out of sight. Jayne was muttering darkly.

"Why we have to go along with this, Mal? We should get the hell out of here."

"They'll shoot the ship down. Patience came prepared," Zoe said calmly.

"Still think it's a dumb plan."

"I don't pay you to think, Jayne."

"Thank god for that," Zoe murmured. Jayne looked at her quickly, as if gauging her ability to take a hit.

"Don't see you jumpin' for joy over this stupid idea, either."

"That's because I don't generally make myself such an easy target." Mal's lips twitched up at the corners, but then they heard a whir. Two sleek Alliance shuttles landed smoothly, and doors slid open to reveal several commandos dressed in black, guns raised. Mal did his best to look surprised. He put up his hands, making sure not to flinch away from the shuttle nose. One of his guns was pinned there between his body and the metal, making for an easy draw without looking like he was going for a weapon.

"Hello, gentlemen," Mal called. The commandos surrounded the shuttle, and another one rounded the mesa with his back to the ship.

"The other shuttle is gone, just like she said it would be," the man shouted. "It's just these three."

A man stepped out of the second ship, holding a pulse rifle.

"Captain Reynolds," he said by way of greeting.

"Is there a problem? We're just here for a job. I captain a-"

"Yes, we know. Where's River Tam?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Our contact assured us that she would have the Tams out of your ship and the ship herself disabled. This appears to be as she said. Where are they?"

"Ain't got no River Tam on board, Commander," Mal said with a glance at the man's uniform.

"We all know that's not true, Captain Reynolds. I will ask you one more time. Where is River Tam?"

"You threatening me, Commander?" If the Alliance man noticed the danger in Mal's eyes, he didn't let on.

"It appears so." Mal looked quickly at Jayne.

"Jayne," he said with a nod. Jayne slammed a fist down on the door to the shuttle, alerting River that it was time for their plan to begin. As if she didn't already know, psychic that she was.

Mal dropped low as the shuttle rocked and lifted from the ground just enough to allow him, Zoe and Jayne to slide beneath it. They slid into the makeshift straps they'd made out of Inara's canvass fencing jacket that had been left in this shuttle from when she stopped giving lessons to one of her more interesting clients a few weeks before, leaving the three of them hanging from the bottom of the shuttle. River flew them low, so that each of them could get a good shot off, but Patience wouldn't shoot them down. If everything went as Mal thought it might, the Alliance commander wouldn't let the shuttle be shot because that would crash it and kill River, who was now clearly in command of the vessel. The Operative had been willing to kill her, but these were not that high in the chain of command and wouldn't destroy River Tam unless it was absolutely necessary.

Jayne, Mal and Zoe started firing at the commandos, who didn't start moving until four of them lay dead. They quickly got over the fact that the three people shooting at them were hanging so awkwardly from the bottom of a rusted, ugly shuttle and still managing to aim, and began trying to shoot back.

"Stop it, damn you! Don't hit the shuttle! DON'T HIT THE SHUTTLE!" Yup. Mal felt a tingle of satisfaction that he'd been right. Then, he heard Zoe hiss in pain and twisted his head to look at her. Blood was staining her pants leg, but she was firing away.

"Just- a- scrape," she grunted. Mal nodded and went back to business. River was circling carefully in the shuttle, weaving enough to make it difficult for the people on the ground to get off many good shots. Mal felt a breeze by his head as a bullet flew past, just missing the undercarriage of the shuttle, but he barely even paused. He heard a sliding sound, and then suddenly there was a rapid barrage of bullets flying down from above them. Men were falling with every shot. River closed the shuttle door again and was back in control of the shuttle in mere seconds. Beside Mal, Jayne whistled through his teeth. Gorram girl was taking them out like ants. Damned if it weren't arousing as hell. Stop this, Jayne, he thought angrily. Don't think about her like that. Don't think about her at all.

The only one left now was the commander. It had happened so fast that none of them had even attempted to get back in the sleek new Alliance ships. He turned to run for one of them, but Mal used his switchblade to slice through the canvass straps and dropped to the ground in front of the man. Before the commander could raise his rifle, someone- Jayne or Zoe- shot it out of his hand. Mal caught it deftly and cocked his own gun, aiming for the man's head.

"How many more will be coming?"

"There's a fleet in orbit around Whitefall," the commander said with a feral grin. "You won't get away alive."

"Yeah, I get that a lot." Mal wasn't smiling. He was in the cold, his eyes dark and bleak. "You know what they did to her? You even know that?"

"I don't need to know," the man said with the same contemptuous tone that the Operative had used all those months ago.

"Humped her brain around. Stole her youth and made her a weapon. I ain't gonna let you, nor anyone, take her back there," Mal said. River let the shuttle hover in the air behind him, Jayne and Zoe dangling from beneath.

"It doesn't matter," the commander threw at him. "You'll never make it past the fleet. You for certain."

"Why's that?" Almost before Mal had finished speaking, the commander whipped out a tiny gentleman's pistol, the kind that can be hidden in shirt-cuffs, and fired.

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"So you are unaware of any of the inner dealings made by Serenity's captain and crew?" Inara clasped her hands. She was sitting in an interrogation room with a man in a plain suit who was asking her about the ship. Kaylee and Micah were waiting outside. Kaylee had apparently not been recognized in her fancy clothes and newly-done hair. (Inara had convinced her to let her style it before they disembarked on Orion.)

"Oh, yes. I simply rent the shuttle. I'm rarely on the ship, and I have little to do with the crew." It gave her bitter satisfaction that she was such a good liar. Mal was right: her entire life had been a lesson in lies.

"And you know nothing about the fugitives on board?"

"I knew there were passengers. I'd seen them several times. They'd been there, after all, for a year." It was too late to lie about Simon and River, though- the Alliance man had known perfectly well that they were on Serenity.

"And you didn't recognize them from the warrant?"

"I don't pay much attention to those things," Inara said with a laugh. It was easy to play the part of the rich, coveted courtesan with more skin showing than brains. Even if it made her sick inside.

"I see. And your business on Orion?"

"I'm with a client," she said. Micah wouldn't mind. "What's this all about, anyway? Have the fugitives done something new?"

"Oh, no," the man said with a wave of his hand. "There's a fleet waiting to pick them up just off Whitefall, so we thought you should know that you can't return to the ship."

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"So what was that all about?" Micah, Inara and Kaylee were sitting in his fine home at Hughes Estate after Inara had been released. She was standing by the fire in the grate, staring into the flames.

"Micah," Inara said slowly. "I need to ask you for a favor."


	4. Chapter 4

"So… I'll be sending you a wave in a day or two. If you're blown up, please don't bother to respond." Mal raised a hand and gave Patience a mirthless smile.

"Thanks. Boy, that's a relief. Wouldn't want you thinkin' we was rude." She smiled, and turned her horse. Mal sighed and walked onto Serenity, punching the button to close the door with an angry fist.

"That went well," Simon said. Mal glanced up to the stairs where he stood. Simon looked extremely pissed off. Mal rolled his eyes.

"No one got shot."

"Zoe did!"

"Just a scratch."

"If River hadn't knocked that man out, you would be dead!"

"You don't know that," Mal argued, though he knew it was probably true. Just as the Alliance commander had fired, River had done… something… and the man had crumpled to the ground. His arm had swung up as he fell, sending the bullet off over Mal's left shoulder in a skewed shot that blew past the shuttle's cockpit and into empty air.

"I do know that! You brought her down there into a mess of soldiers. With guns!"

"We got 'em all, doc. Don't see what you're so upset about." Mal started up the stairs towards Simon, who didn't move.

"And now Zoe says they have a fleet waiting for us in orbit! A fleet that will undoubtedly send more ships down here in about an hour when that commander doesn't check in! That, Captain, is what I'm so upset about!" Mal gave Simon a crooked smile.

"We've been in worse situations."

"The last time we were in a situation this bad, people died, Mal!" Simon stopped, as if realizing he'd gone too far. Mal's smile faded and he stared the younger man down.

"Bad things happen to good people, doctor. We got through that. We're still flying. Ain't much, but it's enough. And we'll keep flying. You can be sure of that."

"How," Simon asked softly, almost plaintively. He hadn't meant for it to happen, but somehow, between the hill folk fiasco and the Miranda disaster, he'd truly become a part of Mal's crew. He trusted his captain in spite of himself, though he hated to admit it. Now, Simon sacrificed his pride and asked what he really wanted to know. "How can we do this?" Mal's face softened a little. He clapped the doctor on the shoulder.

"Let's go find everyone else. Come up with somethin' to do when I've heard what everyone has to say."

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Mal stood at the head of the kitchen table, hands flat on the surface as he met the eyes of each member of his crew, with the exception of Kaylee and Inara.

"Here is the situation. There's us, on Whitefall. Patience has withdrawn her people, so there's nothing to worry about there. Alliance has us staked out from orbit, so there's no way safely off the planet. Only good thing is that Kaylee and 'Nara are offworld." Simon breathed a sigh of relief, even though he'd known already that they were shopping on Orion. He still felt relieved every time he though about Kaylee, and her safety. His love for her had grown far and beyond anything he'd ever expected, and even now he could barely entertain the thought that she might be hurt.

"River? How fast can you fly?" Zoe ignored the hard pain in her gut that speaking of flight brought. No one was as good as her Baby, but River came close, and Zoe knew it. Stupid to shove away an advantage out of self-pity. River's eyes were sorrowful on hers, and warm.

"I can fly as fast as we need to fly. He'll be with me," she said, and for once, everyone at the table understood exactly what River meant.

"Any way we can get around the fleet?"

"Depends. We don't know how spread out they are, or how many."

"We ain't got many weapons against ships. Vera'll help, but not enough." Jayne spat on his hunting knife and wiped it on his sleeve. Simon's lip curled in disgust, but he said nothing. River put a hand on Jayne's forearm, and Jayne stared at her.

"Not at the kitchen table, dear," River said in such a good mother-impression that everyone had to laugh despite everything. Without Wash to lighten the mood, the crew was grasping at whatever humor they could find. Simon glared at Jayne when he didn't pull away from River's hand, and then glared at River when she didn't remove it.

"People. Listen up," Mal said, shooting his own dagger-glance at the mercenary. Jayne gave a little jump and jerked his arm away. Just then, a loud beeping drew attention through the open doors to the bridge. "Okay, pause," Mal called, jogging to the bridge. The crew followed, crowding around the wave screen. Mal switched it on.

Inara's face filled the screen. She looked scared.

"Mal, there's an Alliance barricade surrounding Whitefall."

"I know. Wait, how do-"

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," he said, oblivious to the rest of the people gathered around him.

"If'n you two can use some RE-straint," Jayne said in irritation. Mal twisted his head around and mouthed 'bi zui' with a sharp head shake. Jayne shut up.

"I can get help. How much time do you have?"

"Less than an hour." Inara turned her head and called,

"An hour," to someone off-screen.

"Exactly what kind of help are you talkin'?"

"Micah Hughes is a friend of mine."

"THE Micah Hughes? On Orion."

"Yes. He'll help you. Just keep the Alliance occupied for… two hours at the most, hopefully only one, and don't get killed!"

"Keep the- What, you mean fly around in circles like a mosquito?" Mal was speaking sarcastically, but Inara nodded.

"Mal… can I talk to you alone?" Mal raised a brow, and jerked his head towards the door. The others filed out, Zoe last.

"Yeah?" He held his breath. Was this it? Was she going to tell him how she felt?

"How could you be so stupid! I cannot believe you'd get yourself into another insane plot of death and capture!" Or maybe not.

"'Nara, it's not like I planned it!" She through up her hands in exasperation.

"This always happens. When was the last time a job was completely successful? When?!"

"I- It- Look, all's well that ends well! We've had plenty of successful jobs!" Nope, definitely not the warm, loving moment he'd been hopin' for.

"What is it about you? Is it some sort of gift? A special talent for getting into scrapes? When was the last job where you didn't get shot or stabbed? Mal, even when you aren't on a job, you get hurt!"

"I do not- Wait, since when are we talking about my getting hurt? I thought we were on the subject of my unfortunate luck in jobs." Her mouth was open for a retort, but nothing came. Inara looked as surprised as he was. Good point, she thought.

Mal felt a slow smile spread across his face. It had taken him a moment to work through the insults, but the core was as he'd hoped: she was worried about him.

"You worrying about me, 'Nara?"

"No," she said, as if it was the last thing she'd have thought about doing. But she wasn't meeting his eyes.

"Could this mean you care," he asked, a broad smile on his face.

"Of course I care. The crew could all be killed."

"Thought we were talkin' 'bout yours truly." Oh, how he loved catching her off guard!

"I- Kaylee wants to talk to Simon for a moment."

"No, hey, now, don't be like that." Inara paused, closing her eyes. Then, she opened them again and met Mal's gaze. There was something… old… in her eyes, something terribly familiar. Mal finally recognized it as a fainter echo of what he saw in his own eyes sometimes. A heavy burden of worry and responsibility that always weighted him down. And now, seeing it in hers, he felt pain.

"Be careful, Mal," she told him. "Don't you dare get killed."

"Wasn't plannin' on it."

"You never are." She sounded resigned, and reached up to turn off the screen. Mal raised his own hand and waved it around in front of his face. Where were all his nice sharp captainy motions when he needed them? But she stopped.

"Listen, Inara… When we get out of this mess…" He wasn't sure what he was trying to say, only that he couldn't let her go without something. Anything. "Would you want to go to dinner with a humble ship's captain?" Well. That wasn't what he was expecting to come out of his own mouth, and apparently it wasn't what Inara was expecting, either. She opened her mouth, closed it, and then gave a little smile.

"The day you're humble, Malcolm Reynolds, is the day I join the Guns and Ammo club on Persephone. But," she added quickly as he frowned, "yes." She was still smiling that little smile, the one he loved the best, the one that was so shy and gentle it nearly broke his heart. "I would love to go to dinner with you." And Mal suddenly felt that he could beat TEN Alliance fleets, all by himself.


	5. Chapter 5

Kaylee, who had changed out of her new dress and into something of Inara's, took the Companion's place in front of the wave screen with alacrity.

"Oh, honey, are you ok?" Simon tried for a reassuring smile.

"I'm fine, bao bei. No thanks to our tamade de hun dan of a Captain," he said, unable to stop himself. Kaylee looked a little taken aback at the curses.

"'Nara said everyone got back fine."

"Zoe was winged, Mal almost got his head blown off, and River killed ten people." Kaylee clapped her hands together and clasped them there, a well-it-could-have-been-worse look on her face.

"But no one was really hurt. How's River takin' it?" Simon gave a little laugh.

"Oh, she's just dandy. Actually, she's doing a lot better than I expected." He wasn't just talking about the events from earlier, and both of them knew it. "She seems to be maturing, and fast. It's as if she's suddenly hitting mental puberty." Kaylee perked up.

"Yeah? Learning from her big brother, mayhap?" She smirked at him. Simon shook his head and smirked back.

"Actually, she's been asking some… rather odd… well, just the other day, she wanted to know what… that is, how…" This was ridiculous. He had to stop trailing off like that! He was sleeping with her, for goodness sake! There was no reason to feel awkward. No reason at all. Still, he was glad that he was alone in the bridge. Mal, in an oddly good mood, had allowed Simon ten full minutes to talk to Kaylee.

"Mmm, what did she ask you?" Kaylee was grinning, and she looked so sweet that Simon wished she were really right in front of him so he could kiss her.

"She wanted to know how one could reach climax without a partner physically present." Kaylee burst out laughing, and then fell quiet. Her smile turned naughty.

"Well, looks like we're in a situation an awful lot like what she was talkin' about. I'm a little fuzzy myself on the how of that particular thing. Wanna find out?"

"How can you think about… that… when our LIVES are in danger?!"

"Better than panic. I love you, Simon, and I wanna be with you as much as I can before anythin' bad happens. 'Sides, I know Cap'n and Micah'll clear things up straight away."

"I love you too, Kaylee, but- We don't have much time." She licked her lips.

"Mr. Top Three Percent, complainin' about time restraints? Thought you could deal with any situation, right away." Simon opened his mouth to protest. They only had seven more min… and then his eyes locked onto her slender fingers, which were undoing the buttons on her creamy silk blouse, and he forgot why exactly he had his mouth open.

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The plan was to fly around Whitefall without leaving atmo, and then to make a run for it on Inara's signal.

Jayne was happy. He'd gotten to shoot people, and River was too busy flyin' the ship to muddle up his thoughts. Any more than she already was, o'course. Mal was happy. He and Inara had a date, which implied more intimacies, hopefully without an audience. River was happy. Simon and Kaylee were losing themselves in that elusive state that she didn't fully understand- yet- and Jayne's simple thoughts were soothing beneath her own.

In fact, the only one who wasn't happy was Zoe.

She caught up to Mal as he was leaving the kitchen area.

"Sir." He slowed and looked over his shoulder, giving her his customary crooked smile.

"Yeah? What's up?" Zoe folded her arms and stood, feet apart, staring at him coolly.

"We're just going to sit here." Mal stopped walking and swung around.

"Ain't exactly sittin'. Flying, more like."

"And wait for Micah Hughes to rescue us."

"What? He's rich, influential, and he wants to help us. What's your issue?" Mal knew perfectly well what her issue was, as it would ordinarily be his issue too, and was actually a bit amused by the complete switch around of their view points. Usually, she was the one taking the rational way out while he made crazy plans. Not that he was gonna admit that in the near ever.

"Just that we've never hid behind someone else like that before."

"Hell, Zoe." Mal ran a hand through his hair, his good mood fading. "What do you want me to do? We've got no way outta this, we don't take his offer. Now, I know I ain't one for runnin'." She raised a brow. "Okay. I know I ain't one for takin' the easy way out." Another brow. "Well, I know I ain't… I ain't… Damn it, Zoe, what ain't I?"

"You really want me to answer that, sir?"

"On second thought, no. Anyways, as I was sayin', 's a good idea." She didn't look convinced. Mal stepped towards her.

"I like to think I'm not a complete fool, Zoe. Like to think I learned somethin' over the years. Since Miranda." She straightened a little. Mal spoke quietly, the way he did when he was in full captain-mode. "There is no way out of this scrape without some kind of help. I won't- I won't risk you, or anyone on this here ship, in some desperate attempt at escape written and orchestrated all by my lonesome. Don't wanna go through those consequences again." Zoe narrowed her eyes.

"That true, sir?"

"It surely is. May my soul rot in the Valley if I lie."

"Thought you didn't believe in souls anymore, sir." Zoe believed in souls. She'd once thought hers would indeed roam Serenity Valley forever, until Wash came into her life. And left it. She still believed in souls, only that she no longer had one. He'd taken it with him months ago. Mal chewed on his lower lip, unconsciously glancing towards the door that led to where Inara's shuttle was normally docked.

"May be changin' my position on that particular matter," Mal allowed.

"May be that you should," Zoe replied.

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Jayne found himself in the bridge without any clear idea as to how he'd gotten there. Just wandered around and there he was. There she was, too. Sittin' in Wash's- the pilot's chair, calm as you please.

"Hello, Jayne."

"Hey there," he said, cracking his knuckles. "How's she holdin' up?" River turned her head to look at him.

"Fine. He's helping me fly." Jayne swallowed. He missed the little man, though he'd never admit it.

"Good. That's… that's good."

"You need more sleep, Jayne Cobb." Jayne blinked. She was looking at the controls again, her profile all solemn an' prettiful with her- stop it. Stop it right there. "Why?"

"What?" River smiled a little, and Jayne cleared his throat.

"I keep you awake. Make you burn inside."

"Make me- you moonbrained girl, stay outta my head!" She still wasn't looking at him, and Jayne was surprised to find that he wanted her to.

"I can stay out of you, but you don't want to stay out of me." His mouth fell open. That was… hell, that was almost as crude as he was! And it was turning him on. _She's a kid, nothing but a kid!_

"That ain't- I don't want-" Moving with almost eerie speed, River flicked a switch and stood, finally facing him. Her face was clean and clear, her hair pulled back.

"You do want. And so do I. Want to know, to feel. To understand."

"Ain't about understandin', girl."

"I feel them." Suddenly, her face was filled with a strange mixture of horror and longing, anger and hopelessness. "I can't stop feeling them. Simon and Kaylee, the Captain and Inara. Thoughts and deeds. I can't- I can't keep it out! They get inside me, make me feel ghosts. Then it goes away, and I never understand. Never reach it." Jayne was reaching for her before he could stop himself, dragging her into a rough embrace. Just holding her. It felt good. Better than he'd expected. He was all macho movements and careless love, but with River it was different. He couldn't place why, but there it was.

"'S okay, River," he told her, for the first time calling her by her real name.

"Would you make me feel?" He knew somehow that it wasn't an invitation, but an honest question. She could be so gorram young sometimes, and it tugged at places in his chest that he'd forgotten about.

"Hell," Jayne said through a suddenly thick throat. "Hell, River. I'd make you feel. Go fly the gorram ship." He pushed her down in the pilot's chair and almost ran off the bridge before something else happened.

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A date. He'd asked her on a date. Inara almost giggled. It was so stupid to be so happy when Serenity was in danger, but she couldn't help it. She was terrified for Mal and the others, but terror seemed so tame next to the torrents of love and excitement filling her now.

She'd never been on a date before. Oh, her clients had taken her places. Dinner, parties, balls, operas, anything and everything. But never a date. It seemed so right that Mal was her first, in so many ways. Her first real source of annoyance, her first captain, her first love. Her first… no, it couldn't be. But there was no other term for it at this stage of their relationship. Inara could barely THINK the word, let alone say it, but… her first boyfriend.

Merciful Buddha. Her boyfriend. Mal was asking to court her. Date her. She couldn't get

past it. It wasn't so strange, and it shouldn't have felt so incredible. But Inara was a Companion. She'd been bought, enjoyed, appreciated, proposed to, and given countless gifts. But she had never been a woman, nervous to pins and needles over a simple, no-strings-attached dinner date offered by the man she loved.

It was an interesting experience, her analytical half noted.

It was gorram wonderful, her freer, newly discovered Serenity-self shouted.

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Where should he take her? A fancy restaurant? No. Mal would feel too out of place. A bar? Hell, no. Why had that even popped up? Inara Serra, in a bar. A diner, he decided. Somethin' she probably wasn't used to, but would have nice atmosphere an' would be fun. Maybe some dancin'. Good, close dancin', not the formal kind. He'd enjoy that. Mal wanted to twirl Inara out and spin her back in close, to feel her nest into his arms and sway to the beat of a good old fashioned song.

He also wanted to tear her clothes off and take her against a wall, or on her soft red sheets, or even in his narrow bunk. But that could wait. It would have to wait. He was gonna take this slow. Step by step. She deserved that. She deserved to be courted.

She deserved better than him, too, but she wanted him. For some strange reason, she wanted him. An' that was enough for now.


	6. Chapter 6

"It's been nearly an hour since you dispatched the units to planetside. Why aren't they back?" The question was calm, almost flat, and it didn't sound as if the voice wanted an answer. Dawson Boroughs gave it a shot anyway.

"Well, sir, they may have run into several-" The voice interrupted him, smoothly coming out of the black screen mounted just above the pilot's consol. 

"I've put too much money and effort into hiring you people," it said calmly, "to waste my time speaking to one such as yourself. Captain Jennings, I'm sure, is off trying to find out just what went wrong, and he placed you here to try and distract me. I'd had such high hopes for him. What a pity." Dawson swallowed, trying to straighten.

"What do you mean? I can assure you, I-"

"I need no assurances, Private Boroughs. Run and fetch Captain Jennings. Now." Dawson dipped his head and left. Captain had said not to get him unless it was an emergency, and that last line about pity had sounded pretty serious. It was time to let the Captain deal with the flat, sexless, disembodied voice that had arranged for so much money to be transferred into the honorable Alliance starship Captain Albert Jennings's private account, just so that he would use his technology and utter discretion to find River Tam. Dawson remembered standing in the doorway as the request was made, feeling the chills run down his spine at the memory.

"_River Tam. Serenity. Captain Malcolm Reynolds."_

_ "I'm familiar with the name of the ship. It's been on and off our radar for some time."_

_ "I don't care about the Firefly, Captain Jennings. Capture them, kill them, do whatever it is you Alliance do with them. I want River Tam."_

_ "I'm afraid there's a high-priority warrant on her head."_

_ "I'm willing to pay whatever you require."_

_ "Maybe we can come to an arrangement."_

_ "I'm sure we can. I've been told you are ruthless in the hunt, Captain. That is what I'm looking for. Hunt her down. Drug her, cage her, do whatever you need to. But bring her to me, and I will fill your account to bursting. Half now, half when I have the girl." _

_ "Agreed."_

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"Oh god." Mal turned from his post in the copilot's seat, and looked at River.

"What was that?"

"Rogues. They're rogues. They'll follow no books."

"Albatross, what are you talkin' about?" She glanced at him, eyes filled with fear.

"We'll get away, but they'll keep coming. He's greedy. He's not worried about procedure." 

"Procedure o' wh-" And then Mal broke off as River made a sharp turn, jarring the bridge as Serenity shook with the air sweeping by her flank. "What in the hell was that!"

"Signal's coming now." Mal stood, and Zoe began to step forward from where she'd been leaning against the counter, but then the wave screen flicked on as River's hand darted out, and Inara's face filled the screen.

"Now, Mal," she said. "Micah sent his private fleet to hold them off."

"Then why're you lookin' so apprehensive-like?" 

"Because… you have to fly straight through an Alliance quadrant before you reach free space. It shouldn't be too hard," she added with a nervous swallow. "If River keeps Serenity steady and you go fast enough, you should blow right through. They'll be busy trying to talk to Micah's men." 

"Nothing is ever hard enough," Mal muttered. "Right, 'Nara, thanks. And thank your friend, too," he said with a grimace. Inara gave a shaky smile, and switched off the wave screen without another word. 

Mal turned to River. Simon stepped up behind her and laid a soothing hand on her shoulder, and she reached up with her own hand to pat his reassuringly. 

"I can fly well enough," she said confidently. Her terror from minutes ago had vanished. Mal still wasn't used to her swiftly changeable moods. It was a female thing, he decided. Kaylee and 'Nara did it, too, but River sure had it down to an art. Soon she'd be developin' wiles, an' that would be the end of peace on Serenity. Mal shook his head wryly. What peace?

"Don't think like that," River said. Mal rolled his eyes. Crazy reader. 

"Where's Jayne," he asked tersely, eyeing the doorway. Everyone else was on the bridge. Where the hell was his mercenary? 

"Here! I'm here, Mal," Jayne called, loping up the steps and panting for breath. He had what looked to be every single weapon he owned strapped on. Mal, Zoe, Simon and River just blinked at him. Finally, Mal spoke.

"We ain't even leavin' the ship, Jayne."

"Nuthin' else I can do. Better to be prepared. 'Case they board us." 

"Ah. Of course. Okay, River, let's get this party started." River spun a dial and flicked two switches, pushing a black lever slowly up as Serenity gained speed. They hit atmo fast and hard, and Mal had to steady himself against the back of the copilot's seat. Then, with a shriek of metal, they broke into clean space. 

Or, rather, not-so-clean space. There was a cloud of Alliance vessels, facing another, larger, cloud of unmarked ships that Mal assumed belonged to Micah Hughes. 

"Go, River, go!" 

"I'm going," she said, falling into the same slow, calm way of speaking that had been Wash's trademark while flying dangerously. Zoe's heart clenched, but she pushed the pain away. River spun Serenity in a risky roll that brought them under and around one of the Alliance ships, and righted her with a steady hand. She was going up and between ship after ship, and only once did Serenity's side scrape against Alliance steel. Twice, however, two well-placed shots rocked the ship's hull, but then they- were- out!

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"Captain Jennings. Would you care to explain just exactly how it is that you, and fifteen Alliance ships, are sitting in space while Serenity flies free? May I remind you that my property is on that ship?"

"She's not your property yet," Jennings said with a surly glance at the screen. He wasn't used to being so completely thwarted. They had friends in high places, all right. Micah Hughes himself had stepped in, claiming that one of his close acquaintances was shipping out on Serenity. Sure. What a load of go se.

"She's not human, Captain," the voice stated with a monotoned laugh. "She belongs to the highest bidder. And that happens to be me. If it helps you, think of River Tam as an object, not a girl."

"I don't have a problem with hunting humans, girl or boy."

"Good. I am running out of patience, and you are running out of chances." 

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As the shuttle docked, River let out a little yelp.

"Simon! Don't think so loudly!" Simon flushed and swallowed from his place directly behind her chair. 

"River!"

"What? It's just a request. Oh," she said, reaching up and turning on the mike. "Kaylee and Inara are back!" She turned off the mike and stood. "Autopilot for now. We're set to Persephone."

"We're set to what, now?" Mal stepped onto the bridge, scratching the back of his head. An hour had passed since they'd escaped- barely- the Alliance barricade. "I was thinkin' we'd just fly low. Under the radar."

"Remember what happened last time?"

"But we got fuel, and parts. Ain't no way I'm landin' anywhere just now." 

"But we need to go to Persephone."

"Not just yet, we don't. Don't argue, lil Albatross." River rolled her eyes and unset the controls. Then, her face fell into a frightened look that made Mal shiver.

"He's coming."

"Who's coming?" But she was moving past him with that sleek grace of hers, and was gone. Mal turned around, arms out in a what-just-happened motion. No respect for the captain, that was the problem. Sheesh. He strode down the stairs and headed for Inara's shuttle.

As he turned a corner, Simon joined him and the two of them went to meet the girls. Mal glanced at Simon out of the corner of his eye. The younger man was damn near glowing. Hard not to, with Kaylee's happiness leechin' out all night- _stop that right there. I do not want to be goin' there. _

Kaylee and Inara stepped out of the shuttle and smiled at the two men. Kaylee at once bounded down into Simon's arms, and began kissing him so fervently that Mal had to cough and jump up the few steps to where Inara stood. He stuck his hands in his pockets and coughed again.

"Hey," Mal said. Inara. She was so beautiful, so gorram lovely it almost hurt. 

"I think it's wonderful that they're so happy," she said, gesturing over his shoulder to where Kaylee and Simon were undoubtedly still locked together, though Mal wouldn't look to save his life. 

"Shipboard romances are nothin'-" But before he could finish his sentence, Inara reached up and grabbed his ears, one hand noticeably gentler on the ear that Niska had cut off, yanked his head down and planted a hard kiss on his mouth. 

"I'd say don't ever scare me like that again, but I've been more scared for you than I was today and I probably will be again. Soon. So just be careful, Mal, because you still owe me a date."

"I- I do, at that," he said, trying to regain his balance. He reached for her, meaning to pull her in for another kiss, but she neatly sidestepped his hands and walked gracefully down the steps onto the hall leading to the kitchen. 

"Don't get too cocky," she said over her shoulder. Mal squinted at her. "I haven't forgotten your cheating."

"My what?"

"Our argument about the shopping trip. Don't think I haven't forgotten how you stopped it."

"I let you go on the trip, woman!"

"But I can't let you think a kiss will stop every one." She turned a corner, and he followed the disappearing sway of her hips wistfully. 

"Nothin' is _ever_ hard enough," Mal muttered.


	7. Chapter 7

_It's dark. No point to lights if you're blind. The room is empty save for a chair and some equipment too hard to make out in the shadows, and a wave screen, currently black. No need for furniture if you have no legs and only half of one arm. There's only one person in the room. No one else has ever seen this room, and no one else will. Very few people have laid eyes upon the room's occupant in years. Why show off a broken, burned body and a face so pocked with scars that the nose is nothing but a slight bump in the livid landscape of pain? A thin tube, running from the right nostril to the stand beside the chair, part of that dim equipment, pumps nutrients and oxygen, should it be needed. The mouth has no lips, only scar tissue and teeth, but the tongue is perfect. There is a black box attached to a band around the throat, with a switch and a dial. It is a voice-diffuser, and it is set to 'flat'. Inside that mutilated body, behind the blind, ruined eyes, the mind is cold and calculating. _

_Waiting._

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Captain Malcolm Reynolds snickered as Jayne finished his joke. Mal was surprised; the big mercenary actually knew a joke that was pretty funny. Not as funny as Wash's one-liners, but not half-bad. Kaylee was laughing her light, carefree guffaw, and Simon was trying as hard as he could not to smirk. Jayne nodded in appreciation, a look of self-satisfaction on his face. They'd just finished eating dinner, and were basking in an unexpected rush of good feelings. Even Zoe was smiling. Inara stood, ferrying dishes back and forth with River, who was at the sink. She wasn't smiling as widely as some of the others, but her eyes were bright with mirth. Everyone was happy to be safe on board Serenity. 

River laughed a little, her eyes on Kaylee, but then her smile fell away. No one noticed but Mal, watching her from his place at the head of the table, and he filed it away for later. River forced herself to be calm. Forced the anxiety back. It didn't have to be like before. She could keep it inside. Control. Be in control. You can tell him later. She dropped the plate she was holding into the warm water in the sink and ran from the room. 

"What's up with her," Jayne asked gruffly. Mal shrugged carefully, but Zoe saw that his eyes were intent on the door through which River had fled.

"Something wrong, sir? Did she say something?" He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, and gave his head a little shake.

"Not so much as… I dunno. Did a bit of her creepifyin' on me earlier. I'd best go see what she wants." Simon half-rose, but Mal shook his head. "'S okay, doc."

"Yeah, Simon, the Cap'n knows what he's doin'," Kaylee said distractedly, more concerned with whether or not she could fit on Simon's lap at the table without falling off. Jayne watched with interest, and Inara chuckled while casting subtle (she hoped) glances after Mal. 

He caught up to River just as she reached the bridge. 

"Hey, there, Albatross. What's the rush?" River looked at him over her shoulder, and it was her frightened face again. She sat down in the pilot's seat, hugging her knees to her chest. 

"Lost. Broken up, twisted around, put back together with pieces missing. Like me, only no Simon and no serenity, no serenity anywhere. Too many pieces missing, inside and out, to be whole. Wants to hurt, wants to hurt everyone."

"Who wants to hurt everyone?" She stared at him, her dark eyes filled with terrible knowledge. 

"Knows you. Captain Daddy, why the hate? It doesn't fit." 

"River, I'm gettin' way too used to sayin' this, but I don't got any hint of a notion what-"

"I didn't want to scare them. At dinner. They were having fun. Smiles all around." Mal nodded cautiously, and River went on. "The rogue is coming for us. He'll catch us, if we're slow."

"Who's the rogue? He the one what's broken? The one who knows me?"

"No. The rogue is Jennings," River whispered. Mal stiffened. River closed her eyes, resting her forehead on her arm. "Bringing fury." Mal sighed and ran a hand through his spiky bangs. 

"Yeah, that seems to happen a lot. Why don't they ever bring gift baskets, or- le fao xiang, I'm startin' to sound like Wash." He said it before he thought, and then the memory hit him hard. It didn't seem possible that he could forget Wash was dead, after all this time, but it happened. He'd be going around life as usual, and think something like, 'Wonder if Wash can have us there by-' and then, Mal would remember, and it hurt just as much as when he first allowed himself to feel it. Every time it happened, Mal winced not because of what he was feeling, but because of what he knew _Zoe_ must be feeling. 

River looked up at him with her big, sad eyes, but, for once, said nothing. 

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"River said 'Jennings'," Mal told Zoe with a grim shake of his head, staring at his hands. He was sitting on his bunk, elbows resting on his knees, hands dangling between his legs. Zoe sat in his desk chair, her steady eyes widening slightly as she furrowed her brow.

"_Eddie_ Jennings?" 

"You know any other two-faced bastards turned 'Lliance who'd sell their soul for coin?" 

"Reckon not, sir,' Zoe said flatly. Mal's face was a twisted grimace. 

"Figures that we'd end up bein' chased by one of our own."

"He ain't ours, Mal," Zoe replied hotly, showing a surprising amount of emotion. 

"Switched sides like a gorram merc." 

"Don't I know it. Still, it burns, don't it?"

"Indeed it does. Wonder if he remembers us."

"Why would he? Left after two days in the Balls 'n Bayonets, Zoe. Right when the fightin' was gettin' hot. Know the funniest thing?"

"What's that, sir," Zoe asked, but there was very little question in her tone. 

"Alliance never even knew he fought for the Independents. He's a fucking war hero now, all medaled up." 

"So that's who's after us now."

"Yep. Question is, who's the one that hired him?"

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"Mal!" He turned, hearing her voice. Inara was standing in the door to her shuttle, wearing a red kimono with gold vines patterned in. There was a slit in the skirt of the kimono that bared her left leg to midway up her thigh. Mal swallowed, and forced himself to meet her eyes. Why did she always have to run around in those clothes? He was struck by a brief vision of her running, and him chasing her, and then catching her. Mal shook his head sharply to clear it, and Inara frowned at him.

"Oh, ah, what's up, 'Nara?"

"Can you come into my shuttle, please? We have to talk." She sounded serious, so Mal bit back the smile that threatened to spread across his face. He was always wanting to smile when he saw her. Well, when she wasn't screaming at him and he wasn't shouting at her, or storming off, or avoiding the occasional flying object… Anyway, he kept his face blank and followed her into her shuttle. 

Inara sat on her couch, and he saw that she already had a tea pot out on the little table. Mal immediately put his hands up defensively and started backing away.

"Oh, no. I remember the last time you did this, an' I ain't lookin' to do it again."

"Mal, relax. You're safe from my wiles," she said, managing to keep a straight face. Well, she had been trained extensively in that art, had she not? Inara was smirking inside at the suspicious look on Mal's face, and she had to struggle to remain focused on her purpose. Mal cocked his head at her, and a slow smile made his eyes darken. Inara felt her teeth clench. She could handle him. She was a Companion, and no man could get her off her guard. Except him, obviously, but that thought was really playing havoc with her resolve. This was serious, and she would not let him distract her-

"Last time this happened, you said you weren't sleepin' with me." _Oh, go se_, she thought. 

"Yes, well, I-"

"That still gonna be the case?" She swallowed. It had been bound to come up sometime.

"I said I wouldn't be servicing the crew, Mal, and I mean to hold to that." She winced at the way that sounded. If he got mad and left now, she wouldn't be able to tell him her news. To Inara's surprise, Mal didn't lose his smile. In fact, his eyes seemed to glint even more.

"I ain't arguin' with that. In fact, I'd have it no other way." Inara frowned.

"Are you saying you _don't_ want to sleep with me?"

"Hell, no, 'Nara, I'm sayin' I don't want to be your client. I don't want you to 'service me'. I was thinkin' it'd be more the other way around." She felt her mouth drop open before she could stop it, and Inara stared at him. 

"Aren't you confidant," she said, trying to catch her balance. Mal winked at her.

"I've been told I have certain talents in that direction."

"Mal!"

"What? You're a Companion, 'Nara, wouldn't have thought you'd be modest."

"I'm not modest, I'm just- well, you- Mal, I happened to have a reason for inviting you into my shuttle," she finished as gracefully as she could. At this point, that was not very. Mal sat down next to her on the couch, not touching her, but close enough so that she could feel the heat from his body. In that moment, Inara wanted nothing more than to throw herself on him and let it happen. But she didn't.

"Speak your piece." He sounded _pleased_ , she thought in annoyance. 

"I received a wave from the Guild just now," Inara said carefully. Mal straightened a little, but didn't look away. "My license has been suspended."

"What?" He looked startled, and Inara almost laughed. _Tell me about it._

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"They found out that it was your ship that caused the Miranda outcry, and that I'd known everything. Companions are… strongly advised against any criminal actions," she said a little wildly. Her composure was not sound as it was, just by being near him, and the added shock of her suspension wasn't helping.

He wanted to put his arm around her, but didn't know how. Didn't know if she'd lean into him or back away. Mal studied her face hard and saw the fragile mask, the icy shell that hid what she was feeling. Part of him wanted to jump for joy at her news, and part of him… didn't. He knew how much that gorram job meant to Inara. Even if he didn't like it.

"Wo de ma, Inara. I'm sorry." She gave him a sad little smile.

"I should have been expecting it." Mal rubbed a hand over his eyes.

"This is my fault," he said, and his voice was hard. "I should never have let you come to Miranda."

"Let me come?" Inara rose from the couch. "I'm not some doll for you to keep safe, Mal! I chose to go there, and I chose to fight for what's right. I chose this," she said again, gesturing. He stood too, sorrow in his eyes.

"I shouldn't have taken you off Sihnon. You'd be safe and happy now, not on some renegade ship consortin' with the likes of me."

"The likes of you," Inara repeated, folding her arms. "What exactly does that mean? I've never, not once, implied that Serenity, that you, aren't good enough for me! And how dare you assume what I'd be like on Sihnon? You don't know whether or not I was happy!"

"Were you? You were, weren't you!"

"No!" She yelled the word, startled by the reverberations off the shuttle walls. Mal stood blinking at her, stunned into silence. 

"You- you weren't?"

"Get out of my shuttle, Mal," Inara said, turning her back on him. Mal cursed softly behind her, and then she heard heavy footsteps. But instead of leaving, like she expected, he caught her up from behind and turned her about in his arms. Inara struggled, but he simply held her there, cheek pressed against her hair.

"I ain't lettin' us do this again," he said into her curls, voice rough. "Damn it, 'Nara, just once, stop playin' games with me. I'll stop, you stop, just for a little while. I can't- it hurts too much right now." Inara felt the tears course down her cheeks at his words, and swallowed thickly. He tilted her head up with his thumb, blue eyes searching hers. "Don't cry, bao bei," Mal said. His voice was so uncharacteristically gentle that Inara only cried more. The shock and pain at the Guild's announcement, the old grief at loosing Book and Wash, the newer pain of shouting at Mal, they all were just too much and he was holding her and murmuring things in Chinese that he'd never say in English and she just couldn't keep it up. 

Then, Inara was kissing him, her mouth trembling, his lips soft and warm on hers. She ran her hands through his hair and he lost his hands in hers, both afraid to touch too much. Mal pulled away first, cupping her cheek with his palm.

"Not yet," he said tightly, and Inara saw his eyes flicker to the bed and back. She knew what he was thinking. She serviced clients in that bed. 

"It's okay," she told him, not knowing what she was talking about. "I'm okay now." She stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his forehead. Then, Mal backed away, his hands deep in his pockets. 

If he took his hands out, he'd grab her. He just knew it. God, it was hard enough backin' away now, after feelin' her like that. Even before the kissin', just holdin' her had been… all kinds of intoxicating. She'd needed him, just him, and Mal didn't know if he could survive it. He'd had people need him before, and people needed him now. But he was always afraid of lettin' them down, and if he let Inara down, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. So he left her shuttle, feelin' grim and worried. And really needin' a cold shower.


	8. Chapter 8

"Won't fail her," River said with wide eyes. She was standing at the opening that led down to Mal's bunk, bending almost in half to look down at him. Her legs were completely straight, as was her back, and Mal winced to see her in that position. Must be painful, he thought. 

"What?" He rested a hand on the ladder, bracing his right boot on the fourth rung as he prepared to boost himself out of his bunk. River's big brown eyes studied his face, looking earnest. 

"You won't fail her. Just give in."

"Now, little Albatross," Mal said with a forced laugh, "I don't take to givin' in. Ain't in my natu-"

"Sometimes giving in is good."

"Not this time, darlin', not this time." He tried stepping up on the ladder to see if she'd take the hint, and wasn't surprised when she didn't. Time was, he'd think that was because she was all twisted in the brainpan. Now, Mal just thought she was being deliberately annoying. 

"I'd know better than you, don't you think?"

"Now see here, River, you-"

"I thought you two were moving along just fine. Do I have to give you another push?" Good grief, Mal thought. That was the most lucid talk he'd heard from her in… well, a long time. He opened his mouth to retort, but she'd straightened and begun wandering away down the hall.

"Sure. Just- Just walk off, then! I'm just the gorram CAPTAIN, after all!" He hoisted himself out into the hallway, muttering to himself. 

"Captain?" Oh, perfect. He spun around to face Simon, who was looking a little pale. Well, paler. 

"Yeah?" 

"There's a- there's a wave for you. From the man who's chasing us."

"Hotze de fu tsu!" Mal pushed past the doctor and jogged to the bridge. Zoe was standing in front of the wave screen, stone-faced. Mal stopped just out of sight, took a deep breath and relaxed his back. Then, he strolled across the bridge to stand beside and a bit in front of Zoe. 

Edward T. Jennings' face stared back at him.

"Hello, Captain Reynolds," he said. 

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"Do you want me to put it up?"

"Sure." Kaylee was sitting on Inara's soft bed, wearing a pair of knee-length cargo pants and a lacy white bra. Her expression was pure relaxation and pleasure; hard not to be happy after a massage from Inara. It was warm in the shuttle, and a few drops of sweat beaded between her breasts. Inara's gentle, long-fingered hands lifted Kaylee's hair into a pile on top of her head, and pinned it there. Then, she pulled out three thick strands from the far left of Kaylee's scalp, nearest to her left temple, and began braiding them. 

"How are things? We never really got to talk about you when we were on Orion." Inara's voice was soft and soothing, and Kaylee closed her eyes. It was so rare that she just got to relax like this. 

"Things're good."

"Has Simon seen your new dress yet?" Kaylee laughed.

"No. I'm plannin' a surprise party for his birthday. 'S in two weeks, ya know. Seein' as 

last year went so… badly."

"Oh? What do you have planned?"

"Gonna get some fancy chocolate an' whipping cream, an' I'm gonna walk in wearing the slinky dress." Inara grinned.

"That sounds wonderful. I take it things are going well with Simon, then?"

"Mostly. He's such a silly head sometimes, though."

"How so?" Kaylee sighed.

"He gets so nervous. I love him anyway, and it can be real funny to watch, but I just wish he could feel more at peace around me. I don't wanna scare him."

"I'm sure he does feel at peace around you, mei mei, he just doesn't know how to show it. He wants to impress you so much, you know."

"I know that," Kaylee said, and another time there might have been irritation in her voice. Now, there was simply a little sadness. "It's so hard sometimes, though."

"He loves you very, very much, and it's hard for him, too. He was raised in a world where it would be considered forward to hold a girl's hand if they were not engaged. You, on the other hand, were raised in a far more open world." 

"Are we too different, then? I never want to think about that, but it sneaks up on me at night." Yes, Inara thought, I know how that is. "I mean, I'm so happy when I'm with him, and he's happy, too, but… maybe we are just too different." Inara finished her second braid and pulled out the next three strands, working her way around Kaylee's skull.

"No, mei mei, you two are perfect together. You complement each other."

"What's that mean?" Kaylee twisted her head to look at Inara, and her eyes were worried. Inara smiled reassuringly.

"He's stern and solemn, and you're carefree and filled with joy. He's a worrywort, and you're an unfailing optimist." Kaylee giggled at 'worrywort', and her worried frown-lines went away. "You were meant for each other."

"Does that happen? My ma used to tell me stories about true love, but I never was sure. I love him, and I can't imagine not lovin' him, but I've thought I loved boys before." Inara felt her heart seize up. Oh, Sweet Buddha, not those memories. 

"There's a difference between boys and men, Kaylee, and I think Simon's probably the first man you've loved." 

"Have you ever been in love, 'Nara? I mean, before the Cap'n," Kaylee asked absently. Inara made sure to mask the twitch her fingers wanted to make at the question. She tried to ignore the sudden pain. She'd thought she'd forgotten. She'd thought it was gone forever. She'd talked about love before, but something about Kaylee's innocent questions and Inara's own foolish wording in her responses was bringing back… things that shouldn't be brought.

"No, and I don't love Mal," Inara said. She felt bad lying to Kaylee, but there were things no sweet girl should have to hear.

"Yes, you do," Kaylee said softly, finding Inara's hand where it was holding a braid steady and giving it a friendly squeeze.

"Companions don't fall in love."

"Why not?"

"Think how complicated it would be." Inara flashed on Mal's face as he threw another insult at her. "Besides, who would fall in love with a whore?" Kaylee caught the bitterness in Inara's voice and turned her head again.

"He doesn't think that, 'Nara, he doesn't! He loves you as much as Simon loves me, and he's just too much of an ass to say it!" That made Inara smile.

"Did you just call your Captain an ass? I thought that was against regulations."

"Only when it isn't true," Kaylee burst out. "It's not fair!"

"What's not fair," Inara asked, gently turning Kaylee back around so that she could continue the growing line of braids. 

"That I should be so happy with Simon and that everyone else… isn't. When Wash died, Zoe got hurt so bad inside, but I think she'll be okay. But you an' the Cap'n, you got love right in front of you, an' you won't take it!"

"I can't take it," Inara whispered. "It would never work."

"Maybe now that your license- Oh, 'Nara, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that!"

"It's okay, mei mei."

"I know you love companioning, but maybe you an' the Cap'n could at least try!"

"We are trying."

"Kissin' don't count."

"It doesn't?" Inara was smiling again, and she had never loved Kaylee more than in that moment.

"Not unless you say the words."

"I can't say the words, and neither can he. We come from totally different worlds, and neither of us will let those worlds go."

"So you're saying you're too different?"

"Well, I-"

"'Cause that's a load of go se. If Simon and I can make it work, so can you 'n the Cap'n." Inara was nearly finished with the braids. "I think you two aren't that different. I think the problem is that you're way too alike. Too stubborn to give in, too much in love to let go."

"Now you sound like River."

"Maybe that's because she's right!"

"It's different with Mal and I."

"Sure. You love him, right?"

"I told you, I care about him."

"That so?"

"Yes."

"Why can't you say you're in love with him, 'Nara?" Inara swallowed, running her fingers through the mass of braids. 

_ "I love you, Sam." Shadows. Moving in the shadows. The plan would work, it would work and she'd be free with her lover, free to- darkness. Eyes, glinting. Silver. Sharp silver. Steel. "Sam? Sam?"_

"I- I can't. I just can't."

"But you are, aren't you." Inara didn't answer, only began taking out the braids from left to right. They sat in silence as she worked. Finally, Inara pulled the last bit of hair free. Kaylee's thick mahogany hair hung in long, loopy curls just past her shoulders, now. Inara gathered it into a loose knot at the top of her head and pulled several curling strands down to frame Kaylee's face. She stuck two Chinese chopsticks into the knot to hold it, and was finished. 

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"You've got one more minute." If he allowed Jennings to talk for more than two minutes, the Alliance captain would be able to trace them. 

"Hey, it's nothing against you and yours," Jennings said coldly. "I just want the girl."

"And the coin you'd make turnin' us in makes no never mind to you." 

"If I turned you in, you'd be free to tell on my little escapade."

"An' don't you forget it. Was there a reason you waved me, Jennings?"

"Just wanted to see your face, Malcolm Reynolds. I like to see my prey alive at least once before I kill them."

"Do you. I don't. I just kill 'em." With that parting shot, Mal switched off the wave screen and turned to Zoe. "Ruttin' bastard."

"He is that, sir."

"Yep. Let's get out of here." 

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Zoe knocked on the door to Inara's shuttle, wishing she didn't feel so nervous. Damn it, she was a soldier, prepped for shooting, not girl-talk. Well, not like it was really _girl talk_ , right? Just talk about men. A man. Okay, that was definitely girl talk. 

Tian a.

"Qin jin," came the soft call from within. Zoe opened the shuttle door to Kaylee, wearing a floaty blouse that Zoe didn't think was hers, with her hair all curly and done up fancified. 

"Oh, hey, Zoe," Kaylee said brightly. 

"Hey there, Kaylee-bird." Kaylee stepped past Zoe and bounced down the hall towards the infirmary. Zoe shook her head with a small smile, and walked into the shuttle. Inara was sitting on her couch, hands folded in her lap.

"Zoe," she said, sounding surprised. "Please, sit." Zoe sat cautiously in a chair across from the Companion. She was very conscious of the differences between her life and that of the other woman, and yet there was a strange kinship between them that had been solidly forged during the Reaver fight on Miranda. Inara had killed her share with that bow of hers, and Zoe respected that.

"I, uh, wanted to talk to you about… well, about Mal." Nothin' wrong with straightforward and blunt. 

"Mal?" Zoe thought she saw a nervous flicker in Inara's pretty brown eyes, but then it was gone.

"When you left, it hurt him. A lot. I didn't say anything because I didn't figure it to be any of my business."

"Zoe, I…" Inara trailed off.

"But since I lost my man," Zoe said, holding up a hand when Inara opened her mouth, 

"I've changed my mind. I ain't gonna let you hurt Mal." 

"I don't want to hurt him."

"But you will. He won't live through you leavin' again, and I won't let that happen. He's all I've got left." Inara felt her mouth open, but no sound came out.

"Zoe," she managed. Zoe's face was like stone.

"So you either swallow your stubbornness or leave him be." Inara blinked. Her eyes filled with a sudden light, and Zoe felt the satisfaction that came before a fight.

"I'm not the one you should be threatening, Zoe."

"I'm not threatening you, Inara," she said. "I'm protecting myself and my best friend." The dangerous light in Inara's eyes dimmed. 

"I understand how you feel about Mal, Zoe."

"Oh?"

"But he's not all you have left." Zoe narrowed her eyes. Inara didn't drop her gaze, and Zoe was reminded of a leopardess she'd seen once on Persephone. Beautiful, soft, warm, but there was a hidden edge, sharp as a razor. 

Zoe gave a grunt that could be considered an encouragement. Inara gestured with her hand at the doorway to the rest of the ship.

"We're all here, Zoe, and we all love you and Mal and Serenity. We all loved Wash, and we all loved Book." Zoe sucked in a breath, startled by the other woman's words.

"What?"

"I know you don't want pity or anything like that, and I understand that…." For just a moment, Zoe saw deep into the Companion's eyes, saw the woman that was guarded the rest of the time, and felt the bond of kinship strengthen. They were peas in a pod, she recognized. Both women in a hard world, both fighting with whatever weapons were available, both hiding their true selves. Both warriors, one of steel, one of silk. Both strong. She saw the same recognition in Inara's eyes, and there was silence in the shuttle. Then, the moment passed and Inara continued. "But please believe me when I say that I will never willingly hurt Mal, not ever." She was telling the truth, Zoe guessed. And that would have to be enough. The two women stood, and Inara held out her hand. Slowly, silently, Zoe took it. 

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"You've been avoiding me." Jayne froze, then rolled his shoulders, jaw clenching. He turned slowly, readying himself. River stood before him, wearing a pair of Inara's wispy silk trousers and a flowing top that didn't so much hide her torso as reveal it in tantalizing little glimpses where the cloth clung or fell just so. 

"Di'n't I tell you not ta sneak up on me like that?"

"Yes." She moved closer. "Every one a match."

"Well, some matches make fire, an' then you get burnt." She smiled.

"What if I want to get burned?" Another step closer. 

"Here, now, girl, back off!" He sat down hard on a kitchen chair, trying to get his balance. She sat on his lap, her lithe body softer than he'd expected. "Aw, gorramit! That ain't fair!" She leaned against his chest, and Jayne tried to quell his reaction. Zoe walked into the kitchen with Mal not far behind her, and both stopped. Mal's lips quirked.

"Wanna enlighten me as to exactly what is goin' on, Jayne?" Zoe just smirked.

"Hell, Mal!" Mal raised a brow and cocked his head, crossing his arms.

"Weren't my fault! She just came over an' sat down!"

"Going to make me move, Captain Daddy?"

"I'm of a mind to let you do as you please, Albatross, but your brother may not be so obliging."

"I'm not a child," River said, completely ignoring Jayne's half-hearted attempts to get her off his lap and the gruesome expressions he was making behind her back. "Simon's just a boob."

"Be that as it may," Mal said, "might want ta remove your pretty backside from Jayne's somewhat less pretty lap 'fore he finds you like this." River pouted, but stood. Jayne immediately jumped to his feet.

"Be in my bunk," he called, sprinting out of the kitchen. River gave a slow smile that Mal liked not one bit, and strolled out in the opposite direction. Mal turned to his first mate, and grimaced.

"Not sure I liked that little exchange," he stated. Zoe raised her brows.

"How come you didn't yell at 'em?"

"'Cause I didn't want to yell at River. Jayne, on the other hand… well, I'll talk to him later." 

"No need, he has been behaving quite well, considering," River called in a sing-song voice from somewhere around the corner. Zoe snorted and shook her head. Mal just rolled his eyes at the doorway through which she'd gone. 

"So where are we headed, sir?"

"I was thinkin' we'd fuel up on Diogenes, and then just sail low for a while."

"Diogenes? Don't we have enemies on Diogenes?"

"Zoe, we have enemies on every planet in the 'verse." 

"Diogenes it is, sir." There was a brief silence.

"Who doesn't like us on Diogenes?"

"Everyone, sir."

"Right. Good. Glad it's a plan."


	9. Chapter 9

Life's Too Short- Part Eleven

Funny. Her man would have had several things to say about Jayne and River hooking up. Her man would have had several things to say about Mal and Inara, too.

Would have had.

That was what it came down to now, wasn't it? Zoe sat on her bed, with the lights out. They'd be landing on Diogenes the next day, fueling up. Wash would have wanted to take her out, even for just an hour. His hands on her waist, walking behind her, bodies moving in unison. Her balance, her fragile equilibrium.

Lost.

She could barely call it 'dead'. _Dead_ was cold and humorless, everything her Baby wasn't. Not a softer term, either. Passed on? Crossed over? Zoe could hardly stomach the words. Just gone. Forever. A hole in her heart that would never be filled.

They'd come back after the fight with the Reavers. Inara steadying Kaylee, Mal and Jayne carrying Simon. Zoe, walking alone, unable to look at the others. Unable to speak, touch, see. They'd boarded the ship, and the others had gone straight to the infirmary. Zoe had walked to the bridge, not fast, not slow. The walk that she would walk forever in her dreams. Endless, silent horror, that walk. Only one destination.

And he'd been _gone_. The stake that had skewered him was broken in two pieces, covered with blood, a shred of his shirt on one end. A bright, cheerful piece of cloth, like all his shirts. Zoe remembered it as seeming obscene in the gore. Other than that, there was not a trace of her husband. Not dead, not taken, not eaten. Just… just gone.

She'd lost others, many others. So many that she couldn't remember all their names, and that seemed so wrong to her now. But it was nothing she could help. He was different, though. Had always been different. He'd forced his way through her shell, made her smile and laugh and love with a fresh sweetness that Zoe had lost in the war.

His love had been a balm for her wounds, a warm bath to rejuvenate her. Zoe could remember feeling so bad, so sick inside, that she wanted to die and there he had been, her Husband, her man. Where was Wash now?

Zoe drew her knees up, cold inside. She could almost feel him. His lovemaking had been everything and anything she wanted: slow and sweet, gentle and warm, fast and hard. No matter how they fit together, they always fit so perfectly, his hands always moving over her skin with such tenderness, such wonder. Chills ran down Zoe's spine at the memory, and her gut clenched.

No tears. That was the rule. Since the first battle, when she'd seen her older brother get shot down right in front of her. That was something no one but Mal knew about, and no one but Mal would ever know about. She'd sworn not to cry, ever, no matter what. Then, she'd thrown up until her stomach burned, and killed seven more soldiers before going to her bed that night.

_No tears. Please, God, no tears._ Tears were an admission of failure, of guilt, of loss that would never go away. She'd let him die, and then she'd just… left him there. Gone on.

"Hey, lambytoes, don't beat yourself up over me. It wasn't your fault." Zoe gripped her legs with both hands, rocking.

"Wasn't it?"

"You couldn't have saved me."

"I miss you, Baby. I miss you so much."

"I miss you too, sweetcakes. But you'll be okay. You'll get over me. You're frozen inside, after all. Didn't even cry at my funeral, did you? Not one single tear. My warrior woman. You're so beautiful, Zoe, so incredibly gorgeous. My god, you're even prettier than me, and that's something to be proud of!" He laughed. "My Ota. Do you know what an ota is, lambytoes? It's a little plate, all decorated and pretty, but sharp as a razor. That's you. Gorgeous as anything, but cold as steel and sharp as a knife. Did you even try to get my body back? I don't _think_ so!"

"I'm sorry, Wash," Zoe whispered, burying her head in her knees. She still heard his voice, heard it in her head. Oh God, he was there.

"Nope, no tears for my honey. Guess you weren't really my honey, were you? Letting them take my body like that?" Zoe pounded her fist against her temple and her dead husband stopped talking. _Not him_, she told herself._ It's you. You're doing this to yourself. Wash would never say that. Never, ever, ever._ She lay there, curled into herself in the dark, dry-eyed.

All alone.

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Mal was sitting at the desk in his bunk with his feet resting on its rim, watching a capture that someone- River, unless he was very much mistaken- had placed on his pillow. It was of himself and Inara, not saying anything, just… sitting. At the kitchen table, nursing steaming mugs. He had no idea when it had been taken, and even less idea why she'd decided to give it to him now, but he liked it. A lot. It made him feel warm inside, and not just because of the night-thingy Inara was wearing….

"Mal?" It was the lady herself, and for a moment Mal thought his imagination was gettin' a little too feisty, but- "Mal, I have to talk to you." He swung around in his chair, and saw Inara gracefully descending the ladder into his bunk. Oooh, boy, he thought, and quickly flipped the capture face-down on the desk.

"Uh, yeah, what's your pleasure, 'Nara?" Tian a, he was doing it again. Why did these words escape his mouth around her? Especially when she was right there, in his bunk, alone, with the door closed? Inara sat on the edge of his bed, and Mal almost groaned.

"Zoe came to talk to me earlier."

"Did she." _Please, don't let her have come down here to talk about my first mate._

"Yes. She wanted to talk about you, Mal."

"Me?" Inara clasped her hands in her lap, looking serious.

"She warned me not to hurt you again." Mal's mouth dropped open, and he blinked at her.

"She, ah, she what?"

"I'm worried about her, Mal," Inara said, hurrying past the look in his eyes. "She's really hurting. She told me that you were all she had left. I think I got through to her that we were all here for her, but… well, I'm still worried."

"And you're telling me this because….?" Inara blinked.

"Well, you're the captain. And her best friend. I thought you should know, that maybe you could… I don't know, talk to her."

"Hey, you're the one with the degree in personal relations here." Inara narrowed her eyes as if trying to decide whether or not that was an insult, but then continued.

"Maybe so, but I think you'd be the best to talk to her."

"And say what, exactly? You sayin' I haven't dealt with Wash dyin'?"

"No, I'm saying that Zoe is in a great deal of pain, and you-"

"You sayin' I'm neglecting my mate?" Mal dropped his feet to the floor. He was hot inside again, but this time it was from anger. And guilt, okay, some guilt too, but still.

"Mal, listen to me. I'm not trying to antagonize you. I just think that she trusts you, and maybe you should help her deal with this."

"We've talked. Dealing has been done."

"You've talked? Mal, her husband is dead! He was her release, and that's gone now! Aren't you in the least bit worried about the fact that she has no way to let go, now? You've… you've talked?!"

"Yeah, we've talked! Zoe's a strong woman, she's lost people before! I know how it feels, and I know how to deal with it, and it's not by letting emotions out like you keep sayin' to! Unlike SOME people, who haven't had a bit of hardship all their lives!" Mal was breathing hard, his eyes burning. Inara reeled back as if he'd struck her, her own breath coming in a gasp. For a moment, he saw a terrible pain in her deep brown eyes, and then she stood, scrambling for the ladder. "Hey! Hey, 'Nara, I didn't mean it! Come on, Inara!"

She paused at the top of the ladder, her hands and arms already out of the porthole. For an instant, it seemed as if she would say something. Then, she climbed out into the hall and his door slammed with a clang.

Mal swung back around to stare at the wall above his desk, and then let his head fall so that his forehead banged against the edge of the desk.

"Ow! Ta ma de xio leng sha go!" He raised up a little, balancing his chin on one hand and slowly picking up the capture with the other. Mal fiddled with the controls on the side and zoomed in on Inara's face. She was staring absently into the distance, her eyes dark pools. Every muscle relaxed. It was something he'd never seen, he realized. And, studying it closer now, Mal thought he saw shadows in the contours of her face, not quite lines but… something. He narrowed his eyes, immediately curious, but then pushed it to the back of his mind.

Zoe.

Maybe Inara was right. She was hurting, that was for damn certain. But… well, Mal wasn't good at comfortin' and the like. He'd never lost a wife, and no one he knew had ever lost a husband right in front of him. He'd known soldiers who'd lost all manner o' kin, but never someone as close to him as Zoe and Wash.

None of 'Nara's business, though. No right to butt into Zoe's life, an' then come lecture him about it. Weren't her problem. Mal switched off the capture with a scowl and shoved it into his desk drawer. Then, he reconsidered, and, with possibly an even deeper scowl, snatched it back and shoved it under his pillow.

He would go see Zoe, Mal decided. Go talk to her. Or not talk. Just… well, he was her friend, and he owed it to her. Even if it had taken him months, and Inara's big eyes.

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Mal thought about knocking on the porthole that led down to Zoe's bunk, but didn't. Gorram doors made enough noise openin', anyways. He lowered himself down the ladder, and was a little taken aback at the total darkness. If he hadn't heard her breathing, he would have thought she wasn't even there.

"Zo? You awake?"

"Go away, Mal," came the tired voice from the bed. He had a sudden memory of Zoe, the first morning after Serenity was flying again, carrying all the sheets from her bed down the halls and to the airlock, her face a mask, revealing nothing.

"Ain't leavin', Zoe. Might as well resign yourself to it." He didn't turn on the light, but just sat down gingerly on the end of the bed. He could make out her dim form, lying curled tightly into herself.

"'M not in a mood for a discussion, sir."

"Not askin' you to discuss anythin'." She moved, the bed creaking. He felt the mattress ease into a new position.

"Inara told you I talked to her. You want to talk about Wash," she said evenly.

"Well, I just thought… I wanted to talk about Wash, yeah."

"Never approved of him, anyway. Why would you have anything to say now?" Mal coughed.

"'S not that I didn't approve. Just thought he weren't good enough for you."

"Wasn't your place to think that, sir." Mal sighed.

"I know that. An'… an' I was wrong. I found that out in Niska's torture chamber, when all o' you came for me. When he and I were in there." Mal rested his head in his hands, rubbing his eyes. He felt very tired.

"Did you."

"That I did. He was a good man, Zo, an' I guess I didn't see that soon enough. Now it's too late. My fault, what happened to him."

"Ain't your fault," Zoe said harshly.

"I put him in the ruttin' chair," Mal snapped, the rage at Wash's death hitting him sudden and hard. "I put him there." Zoe didn't say anything, but he could feel the pain radiating off her. All at once she exploded from her fetal position, pummeling his chest.

"If you put him there, why didn't you tell me so? I hear him, Mal! In my sleep, in my gorram mind!" Mal let her hit him, knowing she needed it. He would be there for her, in the only way he knew how. Zoe collapsed against his chest, and Mal held her awkwardly.

"Hush. Hush now." He saw his mother, holding a little boy with a twisted ankle. "'S okay."

"I can't stop him, Mal. Everything else I can push away an' hold back, but I can't stop him." She was shuddering. Not crying, her face cold and dry, her hands clenched into fists that pressed painfully into his shoulders.

"He loved you, Zoe, an' he loves you still. Wherever he is, he's watchin' over you, I know it."

"Nightmares," Zoe murmured, and then went quiet. Mal closed his eyes, feeling her agony like a knife through his own heart. So many dead. So many lost. When would it end? He prayed to a god that was no longer his that she would find peace. _I know you've abandoned me, Lord, but don't abandon her. She don't deserve this._

Zoe was asleep, he could tell. Her breathing was deep, and her arms were heavy. The fists relaxed, and he could feel the change in her posture. She wrapped her arms around his neck, nesting her head in the hollow of his throat. Mal knew that it wasn't him that she was embracing.

"I love you, Husband," Zoe sleep-whispered. Mal felt his eyes burn with the familiar ache that wasn't tears. He hadn't cried in decades. Like her, he'd lost that power.

"I love you too," he whispered back, knowing it was what she needed to hear. Then, carefully, gently, he laid her back on the bed and stood. Mal looked down at her sleeping face, and then bent and kissed her forehead with a tenderness previously reserved for Kaylee and (sort of) Inara. Zoe smiled in her sleep, and Mal climbed out of her bunk.

888888888

"One step back," River intoned, "but also one step forward. Balances out."

"Thanks for the capture, Albatross. But mayhap you wanna stay out of my room from now on? Sound good?"

"You're welcome. And no." Mal pursed his lips. He was sitting in the copilot's chair, spinning idly from side to side as River flew them towards Diogenes. Wasn't much you could say to a solid refusal like that.

"Well, could you ask first? Let me know?"

"Then, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?"

"Uh, no, guess not." Sometimes, River's logic was infuriating.

"She's really quite angry with you. More than the other fights. Good job."

"Hey," Mal said, eyes narrowed, "that is none of your business!"

"You'd better use the shuttle time wisely."

"What?"

"We won't be able to land Serenity without smoothing things over with Walter, but we need fuel. You won't be able to get it on your own. You need a representative, someone to convince Walter that you've changed your wicked ways." Mal chose to ignore the way she'd plucked the name out of his mind. He was almost getting used to it.

"And you think Inara- Hey, now, River, she's mad at me!"

"But she'll play the part." Mal had an uncomfortable flashback to Saffron, her lies twisting like snakes.

"Why not bring Simon?"

"Because Walter will respond well to a Companion, and not well to a stuffy Core doctor." She was right, much as he hated to admit it.

"Shuttle time, hmm?"

88888888

"So. How 'bout Simon and Kaylee, then? Keep wonderin' when he's gonna pop the question," Mal said into the silence. Inara was focused on the shuttle controls, completely ignoring him. She hadn't spoken to him once since curtly agreeing to help with the smoothin'-over aspects of the job. Mal cleared his throat uncomfortably, trying to look calm and relaxed in the second chair.

Needless to say, it wasn't working. No one did 'ignore' like 'Nara. Well, Mal decided, two could play that game. After his latest attempt at conversation failed, he let the silence take hold and just sat there. After about five minutes, he was flexing his hands again and again, then tapping his fingers rhythmically on his thighs.

"Impatient, Mal?" The question was not asked with her customary gentle amusement, but rather flatly and without much feeling.

"Hell, 'Nara, I'm a man of action." She still wasn't looking at him.

"I suppose that's why all these horrible things happen in your life," she said in that same cold tone. Mal stopped drumming his fingers.

"I didn't mean that, Inara. We were fighting, and I- I just- Well, you shouldn't have barged into Zoe's and my life!" Okay, it was a shot below the belt, but he was hoping that she would flare up at him. Anything was better than this calm, emotionless non-Inara persona that she was giving him now. Xio xi, they'd had fights before about much more serious things! At least, he'd thought they were more serious. Apparently, he'd been wrong.

Surprise, surprise.

"I believe you did the barging, Mal, and always have." He could just hear her spit that, her eyes aflame with that wonderful light that could be turned so suddenly to an entirely different sort of heat (not that he'd done it but once, but that was something he'd never forget). Only she didn't say it like that. Her voice was tired, so tired, and Mal felt like an old heel.

But he was the Captain, and captains weren't supposed to feel like old heels! Wasn't in the rulebook, too undignified.

"I'm sorry?" It came out a question.

"I'm sure you are," she said, and lapsed into silence again. They had forty minutes to go. Mal sighed. Shuttle time, indeed. His visions of passionate make-ups and make-outs were dying painfully. Hell, they were writhing in the dust with Inara's shotgun blast still ringing in the air. That wasn't a very dignified thought, either.

It was happening more and more these days.

"I, uh, so, did you?" She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. It was a start. Mal leaned forward, encouraged.

"Did I what."

"Did you, ah, have something real bad happen in your life?" He had a nagging feeling that this wasn't a smart line of questioning, but, as usual, ignored it. Mal was a firm believer in mind over… well, mind. If you never use your common sense, maybe it would eventually go away.

"My life is none of your business."

"Oh, yes it is, princess." She glared at the 'princess', but Mal sped along down that slippery slope to certain doom. "Your life is my business since my tongue went in your mouth!"

Blink.

Inara couldn't stop herself from remembering the feel of his kiss, and knew that he'd meant for her to remember._ You don't play a player_, she thought grimly, forcing herself not to lick her lips.

"Your tongue in my mouth doesn't buy you a share in my business."

"Oh, aren't we the wealthy enterpriser now," Mal said sarcastically. "I say it does."

"And I say it doesn't!"

"Well, here's how it is, 'Nara. I'm bigger than you. I'm stronger than you. I've got a gun, and I'm pissed. So it does." She opened her mouth, and Mal interrupted before she could speak. "You may be smarter, but that don't buy you nothing."

"I won't fight with you about this, Mal. Just let it go."

"I ain't gonna let it go, not now! Something happened to you!" He was getting worked up, she saw. Inara took a deep breath. She was touched that he was worked up because of fear for her, but he had no right to- well, all right. In his world, kissing would give him some say in her life. But only some.

"Nothing you need to hear about." Before she could move or say another word, Mal stood and swept her up out of the pilot's chair, pinning her against the wall so that she stood on her tiptoes, her nose an inch from his. His eyes were intensely blue, seeing down into her soul.

"Tell me what happened, 'Nara."

"If you don't let me go, this shuttle is going to crash."

"Unless some of Kaylee's space monkeys got loose an' are bouncin' about out here, we ain't hittin' a gorram thing for another half-hour. No dice."

"Mal, let go of me or I will have to hurt you." Inara readied her leg to jam her knee up into a very sensitive spot you-know-where, but Mal pressed his own knees into hers and froze the movement.

"Nope. You ain't movin' until I hear exactly what happened." Inara thought about head-butting him, but decided that it was a bad idea on two points: a.) it would look ridiculous and probably would only make him laugh, and b.) he was so gorram hard-headed that he wouldn't even feel it.

"Just let me go!"

"No!" His hands were firm on her arms, and suddenly Inara could only think of sex. Lying beneath him, his hands on her, holding her, his legs pressed against hers, his mouth- okay. Okay, stop this right now.

"I'm not telling you."

"Inara, please." She looked up at the sudden change in his voice. "I have to know," he said, and there was something almost desperate in his eyes. She felt that familiar wrench in her heart, and loved him so painfully that she nearly cried.

"You won't want to hear."

"I don't care. You know all manner o' bad things about my happy little existence. Little unfair, I think." He was trying to be funny. Failing miserably, but trying. Inara steeled herself. She didn't care. If he was revolted, if he backed away, if he never touched her again, she wouldn't care. _Oh God and Buddha and every deity in the 'verse_, she prayed, _don't let him back away._

"I killed my lover," she whispered.

Time to remember.


End file.
